


I Don't Deserve You: The Witchcastle Series Part Two

by Emerson_Ryan



Series: The Witchcastle Series [2]
Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston-Fandom
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Manipulation, Mild Language, Multi, Romance, Sexual Content, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-02-06 22:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 29,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1874100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerson_Ryan/pseuds/Emerson_Ryan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Helena's life is crumbling when an unforeseen diagnosis sends things spiraling out of control, and when Thomas comes back with the best of intentions at heart he sets in motion a series of events that threaten to change every ones lives forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. FUBAR

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back! See I promised I'd have this up today, and because the prologue is so short, I'll be posting chapter one as well. I hope you all enjoy, and remember don't be afraid to drop a kudo or comment my way.
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM

**Prologue**

**FUBAR**

**_Fubar; acronym: Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition._ **

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

_Better Than Me_ blares so loudly in his headphones as he runs that it drowns out the sound of his feet hitting the paved trail and thrums wildly in his head. Eight weeks have passed. Fifty six empty days since he was last with her.

His heart gives the familiar twinge of pain and picking up his pace he tries in desperation to outrun it as the sun beats down on him.

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

I seal the box tightly hating that my hands shake as I drag the tape across the top, downright despising the tears that fall thick and hot splashing onto the back of my hands. The house is eerily quiet, devoid of all sound as I can’t even bring myself to have music on. Silence is needed for this particular step of cleansing.

Settling back on my knees I press a hand to my aching lower back and there is not a single sign of him lingering anywhere.

It took hours of careful and methodical searching to make sure I found everything.

Every note. The shirt left behind. The book of pictures from Benny. My IPod filled with music we picked out together. All of it and so much more sealed up in the cardboard box aptly labeled FUBAR. It would be immensely funny, how so very Lifetime Movie-ish my life feels right now if it weren’t in fact so true and tragic.

It’s over.

And I’ve never felt so alone or heartbreakingly empty.


	2. The Winds of Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes as it always does and with bringing with it, change.

_“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”-John Green, The Fault in Our Stars_

**_-XX-_ **

 

The end of May brings endless amounts of rain and with it I’m trapped in the throes of morning sickness which if the pregnancy books and my obstetrician are to be believed will be passing soon enough. However I’m beginning to doubt the wisdom of both as I press a hand to my unsettled stomach as I walk into work. I open the door offering a smile to Clara who stands behind the counter filling the display case.

“Good morning,” Clara calls happily, studying me as he hands work meticulously and with her head she motions, “I love the new color.”

“Thanks,” I say running a hand over my newly darkened locks, “I just needed a change you know?”

“Honey, I get what you mean. My first divorce I lost sixty pounds, my second divorce I ended up with this,” she says tugging at her bright red hair, “speaking of changes how’s the morning sickness?”

“Awful,” I answer truthfully as she pours me my one allotted cup of coffee a day. Nobody was as surprised as I was by the ease at which we fell into our friendship, but broken recognizes broken I suppose, and rather than capitalizing on my moment of weakness Clara was the one to help me pick up those first jagged pieces of my heart and dust myself off.

“It gets better. When my sister Meg was pregnant with her Tyler she was sick as a dog for the first three months and then it went away like a switch was flipped, hopefully it will be the same for you,” she says sliding the steaming mug towards me and as I take the first blessed sip I sigh.

“A girl can only hope,” I say which garners a sympathetic chuckle.

“I’m almost willing to bet that I already know the answer to this but have you heard anything from _Him_?”

My heart twists painfully in my chest and I shake my head slowly.

“No, that was kind of the point...”

“True, I guess. Anyways, what can you tell me about family dinner with the Berkley’s?”

 

**_-XX-_ **

****

I watch Momma Bee as she talks to Clara over steaming pots in her big, airy kitchen, and I can’t help the smile that crosses my lips. It comes as no surprise to me that Momma Bee accepted Clara into the family without hesitation. That’s just Momma Bee’s way. Leaving them to chatter about the latest developments on some reality show I weave my way through the house until I find myself in the den. This has always been my favorite room of the house.

Pictures line the walls, mostly of Benny at varying stages of growth throughout his life, but what has always moved me was the fact that she found space on her _‘wall of fame,’_ for me. I stare at one of my favorite pictures of Benny and I and can’t help the pain I feel from missing my best friend. My life, and all the mess it’s in would be so much easier to handle if he were here, but I understand that he has a new life now and I make a point to lie to him whenever he asks me how I’m doing. I’m not going to use my pain to get him to come home. After all, what could he possibly do?

It isn’t like he could bring _Him_ back, not that I want that to happen.

I don’t.

Not really at least.

I sigh as I drop onto the bench of the piano, and because the moment seems to call for it I lift the cover and brush my fingers over the keys.

The melody flows out soft and sad, and when my eyes close I feel the familiar burn of tears that have remained unshed.

“Little Bird,” Momma Bee’s voice calls from behind me stilling my fingers on the keys and with a shaky breath I turn to look at her, “dinner’s ready.” She doesn’t press the issue, which is a relief that I cannot even begin to describe and with a soft smile I nod my head before joining her and the rest of our family.

 

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

_‘Time Thomas, she just needs time.’_

The line from Momma Bee’s email rolls about in his head as he stares from the window of his flat. He doesn’t see the people below, the rushed activity of those flitting from place to place because he’s too focused on the girl who is miles and miles away from him, a girl who has seemed to become a ghost of a memory. He could hate her for it if he had the capacity but he doesn’t. He’s tried demanding an answer, after all he is only human, but all he’s been met with is _‘it isn’t my story to tell.’_ He wishes he could tell Momma Bee that since the person whose story it is to tell is disinclined to do so she might as well get it over with but he knows it would do no good.

Momma Bee won’t betray Helena any more than she already feels like she has. So rather than push the issue he finds comfort in the emails she sends him and the fact that he’s being kept in the loop so to speak on all things Helena.

His cell phone pings indicating a notification and when he lifts the device up he sees that it’s another email simply titled _‘Oh how the mighty winds of change blow…’_ and next to it is the symbol indicating an attachment. He downloads the image and with his heart in his throat he watches the screen intently as the image comes into view.

His Helena, her once honey colored hair now a deep rich chestnut color, smiles softly despite the sadness in her eyes as she stares back at him, and with his heart shuttering in his chest he’s content to lower himself onto the loveseat and stare at her.

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

_‘Somewhere, over the rainbow…’_ my phone sings as it buzzes across the top of my nightstand pulling me from my dreams, and with a groan I blink burning eyes at the clock, cursing whoever decided that two a.m. is a good time to call me.

“Hello,” I grumble into the phone but I feel myself slipping back to sleep as I fight to keep my eyes open.

“Lena, Momma Bee’s being taken to TG, you need to come, hurry,” Joseph’s panicked voice fills my head successfully catapulting me fully awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> A Little Bit Stronger (Sara Evans)
> 
> There we have it the first chapter of I Don't Deserve You (or IDDY for short) I hope any who come across this enjoy what they read, but if you haven't read part one, Say Something, you might want to just so you understand where this picks up at. Remember, don't be afraid to drop a kudo or comment my way, I love them!
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> P.S witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (check it out for updates on the series, music muse(s), and other glorious randomness) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (my personal tumblr page for any who wish to be friends)


	3. A Call From Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heart breaking news is revealed and a call from home brings around a familiar face.
> 
> WARNING!
> 
> Sad...oh so sad....and the feels I had while writing this chapter were plentiful.

****

_“Where we love is home-home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr._

**_-XX-_ **

****

My footsteps beat a staccato rhythm on the ground as I rush into the Tacoma General emergency department and with very little ceremony I slap my purse onto the counter for the security guard to search while his partner motions me through the metal detector, and once I’m on the other side and my purse is handed back to me I rush to the check in desk.

The woman who sits behind the desk is older with a tired expression on her face and before she can ask me what I need help with the words are rushing from my mouth.

“My mother was brought in about an hour and a half ago, her name is Marion Berkley,” I say and with as much patience as I can muster I watch as she clicks away at the keyboard and with her eyes squinting behind her wire framed glasses she reads off the screen.

“She was moved from the emergency department about thirty minutes ago or so,” the woman’s voice is bored as she speaks, “She’s on the fourth floor, room four-fourteen.” I listen intently as she explains how to get across the sky bridge and with a soft thank you I’m rushing to the elevator and once inside I’m pressing the glowing number indicating the floor I need all the while sending up a litany of silent prayers.

 

“Momma Bee,” I say as I step into her room, and the scene before me is not what I had been expecting to see at all, and it stops me in my tracks. Joseph stands beside the bed a plastic pink basin in hand which Momma Bee vomits into, “What the hell happened? I just saw you a few days ago.”

“Joey I told you not to call her, she has no business being at the hospital in her condition,” Momma Bee says as she settles back against the pillows her chest heaving. I roll my eyes as I set my bag on an overstuffed chair, and turning to the sink I pull a few paper towels from the holder and dampen them. I settle down next to her pressing the cloth to her face.

“I’m sick little bird,” she says and I smile sarcastically raising an eye brow at her.

“You don’t say, and here I was thinking you were just looking for a vacation,” all humor slips away quickly as she begins to gag again, and with my stomach rolling viciously I realize as she vomits that she isn’t losing her dinner, but she’s losing blood, and with panic filling me I lift my eyes to Joseph and the sight of a single tear rolling down his face is enough to break my heart.

 

 

**_-XX-_ **

 

I’m woken from a restless sleep just shy of eight a.m. and blinking owlishly I take in the sight of the stone faced doctor and the softly smiling nurse beside him, and unconsciously I lift my hand to cover Joseph’s as the doctor begins to speak.

Cancer; the uncontrollable division of abnormal cells. It can happen so silently never giving an indication that it’s invading and then it’s too late. Like it is now.

I don’t have to be a doctor or have any kind of medical training to know that the pictures from Momma Bee’s PET scan they showed us shouldn’t have lit up like a Christmas tree the way they did.

Stage four pancreatic cancer has spread like a wildfire, attacking her liver and lungs, leaving Momma Bee a sudden and startling shadow of her former self. I watch her sleep in the hospital bed that seems to dwarf her, and dropping my head in my hands and pressing trembling fingers to my burning eyes I wonder how I could have missed this.

All of the signs were there; sudden weight loss, getting winded easily, sudden fatigue. Just the other day I stopped by the house to find her napping, which is completely unlike her. All of those facts now glare so brightly at me and no amount of sugar coated assurances from the doctor can quell the guilt I feel. I should have known something was wrong, and if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own life, in my own heartache, in _Him_ , I would have seen the signs sooner, at least I’d like to think I would have.

“I haven’t even called Benny yet,” Joseph’s voice fills my head and I look up at him standing in the door way of the room looking defeated, “How do I tell my boy he’s going to lose his Momma?”

“Joseph,” I whisper and getting to my feet I cross to him circling my arms around him, holding as tightly as I can as we ride the grief together, “I’ll do it. You stay with her.”

I usher him into the room and because he just stands seemingly unable to bring himself to sit down I pull a chair up beside the bed and lightly pull his hand until he’s settled next to her, and once I’m convinced that they are both as okay as they can be at a moment like this I slip out of the room leaving them in solitude.

I walk the halls like a ghost looking for a private place to make the call, and finally I find a deserted room with no silently praying or pacing stranger occupying it, and slipping inside I press my back to the door sliding down until my knees are raised up against my chest. My hands shake as I stare at my phone and with unsteady fingers I dial the number from heart.

I listen as the line rings once, twice, three times until finally he answers.

“Benny,” I whisper trying to hold in the emotions that well up inside of me but I’m unsuccessful, “you need to come home. It’s Mom. It’s bad Benny, it’s really bad.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

****

I stand a ball of nerves and raw emotion at the bottom of the escalator watching as people pass by in droves as they are welcomed to Sea-Tac International airport. My eyes scan the faces until finally they settle on Benny who with a back pack slung over his shoulders starts down the stairs, and in the space of a few seconds I’m wrapped in his arms. He clutches me tightly his hand balling in the back of my oversized sweater.

“Mom?” Benny asks as we walk arm in arm to the baggage carousel.

“Resting comfortably when I left,” I murmur and before he can press for more information a buzzer goes off followed by a flashing light indicating the arrival of his flights luggage, and once he gathers his suitcase we press out into the humid June evening hand in hand.

“How is my niece or nephew doing?” he asks once we’re in the privacy of the car, and I smile softly pulling into steady flow of traffic on I-5.

“Growing more and more every day, at least that’s what all the books and websites say,” I murmur understanding that he needs the small talk.

“Are you getting enough sleep?” he asks and with a sigh I change lanes and set the cruise control to a comfortable sixty-five.

“A solid eight hours a night,” I say reassuringly, “and before you have to ask, I’m taking my prenatal every morning even though I hate them with a passion, seriously, they are like horse pills.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you, I just need a distraction, I can’t think about…” his words trail off as his voice thickens and reaching over I cover his hand with mine.

“I know,” I whisper hating that my eyes fill with tears that have yet to fall, “How’s John and life in the big city?”

 

Benny helps me gather things from the back of my SUV and with his eyebrows raised in curiosity he hands me Momma Bee’s laptop case.

“When did you have time to go home and get all of this? I thought you were staying in a hotel,” he says and with a soft laugh I close the trunk.

“I am, and I didn’t have time to go get all this stuff. Clara brought it and dropped it off before going back to look after the shop,” I say and he laughs a familiar barking laugh I’ve missed so much.

“Seriously?” he asks and with a nod of my head I hold the door open for him.

“Seriously. Clara and I aren’t really all that different,” I insist and when he gives me a look that says _‘yeah right,’_ I have to agree with him, “Okay so maybe we are, but honestly Benny, she’s been great, and she just gets it you know? I know how much you wish you could understand but you can’t and I’m glad for that. You have John and you’re happy with him.

“Don’t get me wrong Lena, I think it’s great that you and Clara buried the hatchet so to speak, but honestly how could you just forgive all the shit she pulled when Thomas was here? You do remember she kissed him right, and let’s not forget the surprise party cat fight. She busted your lip.” I can’t deny the pain that twists inside of me at the mention of his name but I ignore it.

“Yeah, well I left her with teeth marks. We called it a draw.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

****

The tears were plentiful when Benny finally saw Momma Bee, and watching them now I revel in the beauty of them. Benny lies beside her in the hospital bed, his head on her shoulder, her hand in his and I wonder at the immensity of love that they share. I settle back against the sleeper chair, a hand resting over my barely bulging stomach and decide that if my relationship with my child is half as beautiful as Benny and Momma Bee’s we’ll both be the better for it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Calls Me Home (Shannon Labrie)
> 
> Hello again! I want to say a huge thank you to all those who have dropped a kudo for this new story, and to cheryl72 for your comment! It made my day! 
> 
> Hugs from me and Much Love,
> 
> EM


	4. Cataclysm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes what you need is right in front of your face and sometimes, you don't even know it.
> 
> WARNING!
> 
> Angst (poor Helena can't seem to catch a break...)

_“_ _Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes; your whole life can be turned upside down. Life is short. It can come and go like a feather in the wind._ _”-Shania Twain._ __  
  


**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

_‘Thomas,_

_I had hoped to avoid telling you this, mostly because for a week now I have been living in denial, but I’ve come to terms with what is going on. I am currently writing this email from room four-fourteen in Tacoma General Hospital. I have cancer Tom, stage four pancreatic cancer that has spread to my liver and lungs to get technical. I know this is awful news to convey over something as impersonal as an email, but since Lena can come waltzing in at any moment; a phone call is just not feasible._

_I wouldn’t ask you to come back if it weren’t important, but it’s important that you do, come back that is. I don’t have much time, a fact I have embraced, but the family isn’t going to accept this lightly Tom, Lena especially. She is working tirelessly, running herself into the ground, and I can see that she is on the verge of a breakdown. She is going to need you. I need you. If you can manage it please text Benny, he knows I’ve been talking to you and he’ll be able to relay the message to me without Lena knowing._

_Love,_

_Momma Bee._

_11 th June.’_

It takes a few times of reading through the words for him to comprehend the weight behind them. Momma Bee is dying, and the grief he feels is a mere shadow of what her family is feeling, of what Helena is feeling. His jaw clenches as the first hot tears trail down his face and he has to take a moment to compose himself before he places the call to Luke.

Much to his surprise Luke doesn’t fight him too much on his decision to cancel the few appearances he had lined up and he is thankful for the speed with which the flight information comes through. Luke got him booked for a flight the next night and with only a slight feeling of worry he passes it on to Benny. He waits for a response, terrified just slightly that someone who he had grown to love not only as a friend but as a brother of sorts would turn him away.

_‘It will do Mom and Lena good for you to be here. Thank you,’_ the message comes through and with a shaky sigh he pushes to his feet and begins to pack.

****

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

 

The nightmare wakes me before my alarm can sound and because it felt so real I have to talk myself into remembering that a nightmare is nothing but a dream gone rogue and that I am in fact okay as I lie in the bed I share with Benny. I pick up my phone to check the time and a ball of worry forms in the pit of my stomach as I notice that today of all days is Friday the thirteenth. Usually I’m not one for superstition, but this day has always been a rather unlucky one for me, and as I crawl from the bed I send up a prayer that maybe this time will be a little different.

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror and I can’t help but notice the purple shadows smudged under my eyes. I was up half of the night making use of the hotels free Wi-Fi and printers. I have become a research machine and Google has become my best friend. I am nowhere near an expert on Momma Bee’s particular brand of Cancer, but a couple more nights of researching like I have been and I should be awarded an honorary PhD or something. I can’t qualm the excitement that grows as I remember the printed pages waiting to be shown to Momma Bee and Joseph.

I’ve found a comfortable routine over the last eleven days since Momma Bee’s admission. The three of us, Joseph, Benny, and I take turns staying overnight with Momma Bee while the other two sleep, which is what Benny is doing and because of that I settle on tapping out a text message rather than making a phone call to Clara.

_‘Don’t forget that the delivery will be coming in today at noon.’ I send the message as I sit on the side of the tub listening to the shower run._

_‘Good morning to you too, and I won’t forget, you’ve only told me about a billion times already. How’s Momma Bee?’ I smile at Clara’s reply._

_‘She’s Momma Bee. Going crazy from being cooped up in the hospital all this time. I’ll be home tonight. I have laundry duty this week; I’ll cook dinner if you come keep me company.’_

_‘Going crazy is good, means she has some fight in her, and dinner sounds amazing, especially if you’re the one cooking, now tell me about the hot doctors gracing Tacoma General nowadays…’_ I roll my eyes to the ceiling at typical Clara and setting my phone aside I step into the shower.

 

_**-XX-** _

 

The scene I walk in on in Momma Bee’s usually happy room after making a coffee run is not one I expected. Joseph stands, face bright red, his hulking frame vibrating with anger as Momma Bee lies propped against the pillows; the epitome of calm while Benny sits sheepishly in the chair beside her, his head in his hands.

“What’s going on?” I ask my voice breaking up the tense silence.

“Why don’t you tell her Marion? Tell Lena how you’re refusing treatment, treatment that could potentially save your life!” Joseph roars and I scramble to shut the sliding glass door pulling the curtain closed with a snap.

“Joseph, you heard the doctor…”

“I heard the doctor all right, and he said this could buy us some time until we can find a doctor who can operate on the cancer. If you do the surgery and the high dosage radiation and chemotherapy…”

“I’ll be weak, all the time. I’ll lose my hair, my appetite, my drive for life, and none of that will guarantee or buy me any more time. The surgery alone could kill me, and if it doesn’t it will leave me a lung short, and an oxygen tank heavy. I will go out of this world with every part of me that I came into it with,” she speaks calmly and I feel my heart drop.

“You’re giving up,” I murmur surprised that the words escape me as I sit heavily on the corner of her bed.

“No, what I’m doing is accepting the story that’s been written for me. What would you have me do? Beat my breast and demand that God rewrite this portion? This is happening it’s happened without any of us knowing. What I want more than anything is to go home, to live out the rest of my life, however much of it I have left, with my friends and family in the town I love. I want to sit on the porch and feel the sun on my face while I drink lemonade and eat strawberry shortcake. I want to watch the fireworks on the fourth of July, and I want to sleep in my own bed without nurses and doctors waking me every five damn minutes.”

“No, no, you can’t give up not now. Look, look what I found; I was up all night last night researching. Johns Hopkins is the leading hospital in the field of pancreatic cancer; they have nearly perfected the Whipple procedure with a survival rate of all patients higher than any other in the country. Think of it Momma Bee, we could road trip, the four of us, to Boston. You can’t just give up,” I demand holding up the printed pages weakly.

“Little bird, I’m dying…”

“NO! You don’t get to do that…Yo-you can’t just leave, you can’t leave Benny without his Mom, or Joseph without his wife…o-or me,” I cry desperately as if the tears will change her mind on the matter.

“Helena, it’s inoperable, and even if we found a doctor willing to try, the survival rate is still less than five percent. I understand that you are all scared, and angry. I was too, but…” she trails off her eyes drifting from me to over my shoulder and I turn my head expecting to find a nurse peaking in to make sure everything is okay but that isn’t who I find standing behind me.

It’s _Him_. He’s dressed in a simple pair of jeans and blue t-shirt, and his eyes drift to mine but I quickly look away, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Thomas,” Momma Bee murmurs a smile lighting her face as I feel the world rock around me.

“Momma Bee,” _He_ says and I move as far away as I can in the suddenly stifling room, pressing myself as close to the corner as humanly possible. Rage burns inside of me at the sight of him hovering over her, and I know that despite my feelings the genuine grief I see on his face should speak volumes but all it does is make me angrier.

“This discussion isn’t over Marion,” Joseph says before excusing himself from the room with Benny following close behind unable to meet my eyes and all at once I understand that he knew _He_ was coming, and the betrayal is so great it threatens to swallow me whole. I’m left alone with my thoughts while Momma Bee begins to talk to the bane of my very existence, and I study _him_ closely. He hasn’t really changed much. He looks tired; large blue eyes rimmed red from fatigue or tears, possibly both. His once flirtatiously golden tipped red hair is an infuriatingly appealing shade of dark brown, and longer than the last time I set my eyes on _him_.

“Thomas you should take Helena to get something to eat, you both have some catching up to do,” Momma Bee’s words interrupt my thoughts and I clench my teeth shaking my head.

“I’m not hungry,” I spit gathering my bag, “besides I have to get home and do laundry.”

“Lena please,” Momma Bee whispers as I reach the door and I turn shaking my head at her as the tears begin to spill down my cheeks.

“I will not stay here and listen to you talk about how it’s your time and you’re ready to die, and I most certainly will not stay here with _Him_ of all people,” I say evenly meeting _His_ sad gaze, and because I notice the flicker of pain that crosses _His_ face I have to look away, “I know that it was either you or Benny who brought _Him_ here, and the fact that either of you or both of you thought this could possibly be a good idea is beyond me. _He_ does not belong here. I do not want _Him_ here, and as long as _He_ is, I won’t be.”

 

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

 

The silence is thick and oppressive as he sits in the chair next to Momma Bee’s hospital bed, but aside from that it feels strangely homey, a stark contrast to the normal dreary feeling that comes with being in a hospital. A collage of photos hangs beside the white board that has notes carelessly written on them, and he notices the looping handwriting that proclaims, _‘I Love You,’_ knowing it belongs to Helena, and he can still see the tears that rolled down her face as she met his gaze for only a moment, her voice tight and tortured before she fled from his very presence.

“She hates me,” the words tumble from his lips as he leans forward, long arms coming to rest on his knees his head dropping into his hands.

“No, she doesn’t, she loves you, which just pisses her off,” Momma Bee says her voice carrying a tone of wisdom, “Thomas if she hated you she wouldn’t react to you.”

“I just wish I knew how to fix this,” he says sadly shaking his head, “if I knew what wrong I committed I could find a way to make it right.”

“At this point I don’t think it’s about fixing it, it can’t be. She needs to know,” the words trail off causing him to raise his head and he’s greeted by a sad smile and a single tear, “she needs to know that she’s worth fighting for.”

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

My ninth grade English teacher had this game he used to play with us, a game that was supposed to help us remember the definitions to our spelling words every week. We’d arrange our chairs into a large circle and stand behind them as a soft ball was passed around while the latest top charting pop song played on the radio and when the music stopped whoever held the ball had to recite the definition of the word that Mr. Culver called out and should you get it wrong you’d have to take a seat as your time was up.

Game over.

One of my favorite words was cataclysm. A violent upheaval that causes great destruction or brings about a fundamental change, Mr. Culver would be proud to know that his silly little game taught me something.

Funny isn’t it, the things you remember when you’re dying?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Bleeding Out (Imagine Dragons)-was rather fitting all things considered.
> 
> Hello-Hi,
> 
> There you have it! Two chapters and a bit of a cliff hanger. Hopefully not too many are upset by this, but as always I promise it's a necessary evil. Another chapter will be posted come Monday (maybe more if I see that people are still interested) have a happy weekend everyone, and remember drop me a kudo or comment should you want to.
> 
> Much Love and Big Hugs,
> 
> EM
> 
> P.S. witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (for all things Witchcastle related) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (to get to know me)


	5. Darkness Calls Me Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All it takes is an accident to change everything...forever.
> 
> WARNING!
> 
> Chapter contains adult language.

_“At one time or another we are all called home, and whether we answer or not is our decision alone.”-Anonymous._

**_-XX-_ **

****

Everything is perfectly still and stunningly silent as I stare curiously at a line of trees, rain splattering onto the sea of asphalt that surrounds me. I have to move, I tell myself so as smoke billows and dances through the sticky air, but my body refuses. A strange numbness has set in and I don’t really understand how or why I’m lying on the ground in the rain, and yet all I can seem to do is stare at the tall Evergreens that seem to be staring back like silent sentinels.

Movement catches my attention and after a few slow blinks I see that it’s my fingers twitching involuntarily in the sticky red substance that pools under them.

I’m not supposed to be here.

Why am I here? How did I get here?

Sirens wail but they sound watery and far away and a voice calls out to me causing my eyes to wheel around frantically trying to place where and who it’s coming from.

“Can you hear me?” the voice is a little rough as it dances through the confusion fogging my brain and suddenly I’m fixed in the gray eyed gaze of a perfect stranger who shakes wet brown hair from his eyes, “help is on the way. My names Murphy, can you tell me your name?”

I open my mouth but my words are drowned out by an awful gurgling sound that seems to rattle up from my lungs and I cough violently suddenly very aware that I’m gasping for air and with every ragged breath I manage to inhale I expel a blood filled exhale.

Panic sets in like a thief in the night, ripping through the veil of calm and numb that cocoons me.

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere,” the stranger says lying a jacket over me, or maybe it’s a blanket, I don’t know, but what I do know is that his eyes filled with a compassion I don’t understand never leave mine, even when his hand closes over mine, “hey, hey stay with me!” His voice is a near shout as my eyes flutter shut, and then he’s gone, and there’s nothing and no one except for the dark.

 

_**-XX-** _

 

“We have a Jane Doe, pulse weak and thready in the field. Potential brain trauma, facial lac’s, possible fractures, resulting from a rollover MVA. She was ejected,” a voice barks loudly jerking my eyes open and if I could I would scream from the pain that crashes over me in waves. Don’t they see the way I shiver from it, the way my body seems to convulse and jerk a hapless dance to no music?

“We’ll move her on my count. One. Two. Three,” an authoritative voice fills my ears as I’m lifted up and then settled back down again. Hands are everywhere cutting away my clothes as monitors are put in place.

A light shines brightly in my eyes and I try to move my head away from it but I can’t. I’m held firmly in place by hands and tape and restraints that all seem so terrifying and yet comforting.

“Right pupil equal and reactive, left pupil unresponsive. She has to have a brain bleed, someone call up to CT let them know we’ll be on our way. Can you tell me your name?” the voice asks but I can’t seem to find the word I’m looking for, and suddenly I’m gasping unable to breathe, “Is someone working on finding out who she is?”

“The crew was busy searching the scene when we left.”

Something inside of me kicks sluggishly, and I feel it now, the way my heart which seemed to be sprinting has suddenly begun to slow, fighting for each precious life sustaining beat.

“She’s crashing.”

“Where is this blood coming from?”

“Type and cross match.”

“We need a chest tube.”

Inside I’m screaming for them to stop, trying to tell them my name, that I have a family, that I’m not just another Jane Doe fated to die alone in the cold sterile atmosphere of the emergency room but I’m being sucked away again dragged into the inky blackness that calls me home.

 

 

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

Hours have ticked by and to get his mind off of Helena, Momma Bee roped him into a rather rousing game of poker which has him buying her a cup of ice cream from the hospital cafeteria as payment for his loss, which is why he finds himself standing in line behind a group of doctors who all look exhausted. He has the highest respect for those who have made it their life’s mission to help those in their greatest moment of need, and because of that he steps out of line insisting on buying them all dinner. It is after all the least he could do.

Of course in doing so he opened himself up to the photos that he was asked to pose for and the autographs that he handed out, not that he minds.

The melted ice cream he now notices might be a problem though and with a sigh he drops the Styrofoam cup into the trash bin and as he turns back to get another one his name fills the air. He watches as Benny charges towards him, his long legs eating up the space between them and it’s only when he’s standing face to face with him that he sees the tears that roll down his face.

“Benny? What’s wrong? Momma Bee?” the words are rushed and seems to blend together as his heart beats erratically against his chest.

“There was an accident Thomas, Helena was airlifted to the trauma center in Seattle an hour ago,” the words slap at him and he feels himself rock on his feet and it’s without a doubt in his mind that he surely would have fallen to his knees if it weren’t for Benny’s strong hands holding him upright.

“Wha-what happened?” his voice sounds alien to him as he tries to get the world around him to snap back into focus.

“I-I don’t know. Dad got the call while we were at the hotel. He’s going to stay here with Mom and I’m going to go. She shouldn’t wake up alone,” Benny says and with a nod Tom drags in a deep breath, getting a slippery hold on the panic that fills him.

“I’m coming with you.”

“I was counting on it.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

****

The waiting room is no different from the last time, alternating between pacing and sitting, unable to do either for very long. It seemed to him that every time he sat down the nerves in his legs woke up screaming, and every time he paced he felt each movement right down to his bones. So deciding to ignore the legs that seem to have a mind of their own he stares straight ahead at the same dully painted bluish gray walls his eyes focusing and un-focusing in equal measure on the posters and pictures hanging on the walls.

Deep down he understands that they are meant to serve as an encouragement to waiting families, but in this moment he finds no comfort in the empty words that stare back at him.

“It feels like we’ve been waiting forever,” Benny’s voice is impatient as he drops down next to him and with a glance at the thick black watch on his wrist Tom notes the time.

“Two hours and twelve minutes since we arrived,” he says running a hand over the back of his neck, “they should be telling us something soon.”

“I can’t stand this waiting, seriously somebody should have fucking told us something by now,” Benny growls and because it’s all he can think to do he claps a hand on his friends shoulder, “Is this what it was like when…”

Tom knows what he is asking without him even finishing the thought. It was after all not that long ago that he sat in this room with Momma Bee, Joseph, and Helena waiting for news on Benny’s condition.

“Yes,” he answers honestly to which Benny lets out a shaky breath squeezing his eyes shut.

“She’s going to be okay,” Benny breaks up the tense silence with his grief thickened voice, “she has to be.”

 

_**-XX-** _

 

That’s a sticking point for him. The thought that she _‘has’_ to be okay. From where he stands, looking in, she’s been anything but okay in the months he’s been away. The sadness was apparent in her eyes, betraying her cold demeanor as she spoke of how she wouldn’t be in the same room as him. So if she wasn’t okay then, who’s to say she would be now? Human life is just that, human. It has a clear beginning and mysterious end.

He sighs as he stirs a red straw in another cup of coffee. He has enough caffeine coursing through him at this point that it’s a wonder he doesn’t simply shoot up into the air like a rocket but it seems to be the only thing keeping the crushing fatigue at bay, and as he takes a drink he catches the tail end of Benny’s phone call.

“I have to tell him Mom, he has to know, because if-if something happened…okay. Love you too, bye.” He watches as Benny ends the call and when he looks up he knows something is wrong, very wrong.

“Tom,” Benny says his voice shaking as he motions for him to take a seat next to him. He drops heavily into the chair trying to brace himself for whatever is coming next, “there’s something you need to know, and I hate that I have to be the one to tell you.”

“Benny, what is it?” he asks alarmed by the tears that steadily fall down his friends face.

“Lena’s pregnant.” The words hit him like a speeding train, knocking the air from his lungs, but the newly obtained knowledge suddenly shoots adrenaline into his blood stream and he begins to pace again with new found purpose.

“Pregnant. Helena’s pregnant, with my child, is this why…is this why she disappeared?” he demands his voice thick with anger and disbelief.

“Tom, calm down please,” Benny pleads but that just makes him angrier.

“Calm down? How the fuck can I calm down? The woman I love was just in an accident and I still don’t know what the extent of her injuries are and you are just now telling me that she is pregnant, so my child, our child…” he loses steam as the reality of the words start to sink in and he begins to shake dropping onto a chair his head in his hands and all he can do is pray.

 

_**-XX-** _

 

He dozed off having exhausted himself from pacing and worrying and after a time he’s shaken awake by Benny.

“What?” he asks his eyes following Benny’s gaze and there standing before them in pale blue scrubs is an older man with graying hair.

“I’m Dr. Willis, the surgeon who operated on Helena,” the older man says motioning for Tom and Benny to remain seated which they do as they watch him silently pull a chair closer.

“Is she alive?” the words tumble from his lips before he can stop them catching Benny and Dr. Willis off guard.

“Helena is alive,” Dr. Willis says smiling lightly, “She sustained some pretty serious injuries.”

“Nobody would tell us what happened,” Benny says his hands tightening on the arm rest of his chair.

“I apologize for that, but Helena’s case is quiet serious.”

“How serious?”

“Helena was in car accident; she was ejected and sustained major injuries. She had a brain bleed; surgery was done to stop the bleeding, successfully, however with any brain injury there is no telling what the long term effects will be…”

“Dr. Willis I don’t mean to interrupt you but please, can you tell us if the baby…” Benny’s words trail off as if he’s too afraid to finish the thought, and the silence that fills the air seems to cause Tom’s heart to speed up and beat against his ribs almost painfully.

“The baby is alive and miraculously seems unharmed; we are keeping a very close eye on both the baby and Helena.”

“The baby’s alive?” Tom asks his voice shaking.

“Yes,” Dr. Willis says, “a nurse will take you up to see her, but first you should be prepared. There is swelling and bruising, she sustained facial lacerations…” the doctor’s voice fades away as the world rocks around Tom. A few hours ago he was preparing for the worst, believing that Helena would be lost to him forever, and now he’s being handed a second chance and that’s all that really matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Breath of Life (Florence and The Machine.)
> 
> Hello-Hi everyone,
> 
> First I want to say I'm sorry, I know it's been a while since I uploaded but my laptop crashed last weekend and it took me a while to get it back up and running and to recover my stories, but luckily I had backed up a good portion, including IDDY. So thank you to everyone who has stayed with me through it all. A HUGE thank you to all the kudo droppers, just_a_dreamer, Northy, waningcrescent, sweetsgal, Narney, as well as the 17 guests, and Cheryl72 and Ginger for your comments which just made my day that much brighter. You are all amazing and I love you!
> 
> I will be posting two chapters tonight, and barring any complications will resume regular posting schedule of every Monday and Friday. 
> 
> Much Love,
> 
> EM
> 
> P.S. witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (for all news Witchcastle and randomness) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (my personal blog for anyone who wants to get to know me :))


	6. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on, a brand new reality for those affected by Helena's current state.

_‘Astley comes to my side. "Are you well?" "No," I tell him, voice hoarse. "I am not well. I am broken inside. I am broken almost all-the-way deep, and I don't know...I don't know if I can ever be unbroken, let alone well again.”-Carrie Jones, Entice._

**_-XX-_ **

****

She resembles a broken doll, ghostly pale skin peeking through endless amounts of wires and tubes. The machine breathing for her drones on melting together with the sound of the heart monitor, creating a melancholy symphony in the sterile air that surrounds him.

Her head is wrapped in gauzy white bandages, a stark contrast against her dark hair, and for a moment his fingers itch to reach out and touch her thinking that perhaps the physical contact will convince him that though she lies perfectly still before him she is in fact alive.

“You can touch her,” Benny’s voice comes from behind him and he lets out a shaky breath watching as he crosses to the bed pulling a chair close to the bed, “the nurse said it’s good if we do. She swears she’ll know we’re here.” He watches in detached curiosity as Benny’s large hand envelopes her small one, but he can’t bring himself to move in spite of how badly he wants to.

“She didn’t tell me,” Tom says finally finding his voice “was she ever going to tell me?”

“Yes,” Benny reassures him, “she just didn’t know how.”

“Is that why she disappeared, because she’s pregnant?” the words still sound so foreign to him despite the sonogram pictures that sit in his pocket given to him by the kind nurse who introduced herself as Kaitlin slipped them to him just moments ago.

“It’s my fault really,” Benny cries, his hazel eyes shimmering under the dim lights, “After you left, she was a ghost. She was reverting back to the Helena she used to be, the Helena before you. She was closed off, sad, distant…Mom offered to take over the shop. Told her that she and Dad would look after things so she could go to London. Lena promised to think about it…and then she found out she was pregnant. She found the earliest flight out which was May 5th. I was talking to her about it, when I sent her a video… an interview I found…”

“An interview?” Tom asks sitting in the chair opposite of Benny his hands rubbing up and down the material that covers his tense thighs.

“You did an interview about eight weeks after you left, questions were asked about your time here, about Lena…” Benny’s voice drifts off as the realization hits Tom.

That interview.

He closes his eyes squeezing them tight, “I tried to get her to stop watching but she wouldn’t listen. She broke down. She didn’t look at it as you protecting her. She looked at it as you betraying her. She had it in her head for some time that she was just a diversion, and I think she was looking for a way to make it so. She handled it poorly, a point I made to her on more than one occasion, but she just wouldn’t listen to reason.”

“If I had known, if I was aware that my feelings were still not clear to her I would’ve…”

“I know,” Benny says sadly eyes locking on his, “I know.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

 

The soft murmuring voice wakes him and slowly his eyes adjust to the dim lighting and he can barely make out Benny’s form standing in the door way next to another much smaller form.

“He won’t leave. The nurses tried kicking him out but he told them not to waste their time or breath,” Benny says and the laugh that follows is familiar and overwhelmingly feminine.

“Smart man. Listen Benny, you need to go talk some sense into your Mom. She’s threatening to leave the hospital against medical advice, your Dad is trying his best to keep her distracted but she’s not having it,” the woman speaks and with his vision clearing he sees that it’s Clara who stands in the door, her eyes trained on Helena. He sees the worry carefully hidden just under the surface and he finds it curious. Last he knew the two of them couldn’t stand one another, they had after all come to blows not that long ago.

“What makes you think she’ll listen to me?” Benny murmurs the question his arms crossing over his broad chest and before Clara can respond Tom clears his throat catching their attention.

“Because you’ve been here the whole time,” Tom says his voice almost a whisper, “She is going to want to hear it from someone who has seen her.”

“I just don’t feel right leaving Lena,” Benny says his voice hitching as Tom gets to his feet making his way to his friend.

“I won’t leave her, either of them, they won’t be alone, but Momma Bee is going to need someone who spoke to the doctor to explain everything to her,” Tom reassures his friend and Benny nods wiping his eyes.

“You’re right,” Benny says and quietly he makes his way to Helena’s side, brushing a lock of hair from her bandaged forehead, “You hold on do you hear me? I love you Lena.”

“Is there anything we can bring you in the morning?” Clara asks as Tom walks her and Benny to the door automatic double doors of the ICU floor.

“My suitcase is in Momma Bee’s room, other than that I can’t think of anything,” he says and with a soft nod of her head Clara wraps him in a hug offering a few encouraging words before he’s passed to Benny who asks that he text with updates, no matter how small, and after he promises to do just that he watches the two leave, and with a heavy sigh he heads back to sit vigil at Helena’s side.

**_-XX-_ **

****

By the next afternoon not much had changed. Although thanks to Benny and Clara delivering his suitcase he finds himself not only freshly showered but comfortably dressed in a pair of his favorite jeans and a simple t-shirt, and with Benny and Clara in with Helena he can take a few minutes to check his emails and phone calls as there is a half a dozen of each, most of them from Luke, reminding him of his upcoming contractual duties. As if he needed the reminder that he had only a week.

“Thomas,” Luke’s voice comes through the phone as he drops into a rather uncomfortable gray chair in one of the waiting rooms, “Was wondering if I was going to hear from you, you didn’t call when you landed.”

“Something happened,” Tom replies and there’s a tense beat of silence between the two as he tries to think of how to relay what happened, “Helena was in a car accident.”

“My God is she okay?” the worry that laces through Luke’s voice is genuine and speaks volumes to the friendship the two men share.

“I don’t know. She’s in a coma. The doctor’s don’t know how long it will be before she comes back,” his voice breaks at the fleeting thought of possibility that she never comes back, “I know I have some very important things coming up, but I was wondering if you could I don’t know, open my schedule a bit. I’ll need to be able to fly back and forth as much as possible.”

“Absolutely, but Tom you do realize that you start shooting in Toronto in a month and once that starts it will be harder for you to get away,” Luke says and with a hand running over his hair he groans.

“I know we’ll just have to make it work. Thanks Luke, there is something else though,” he says running his hand over his hair, “Helena’s pregnant.”

“Oh…and the baby? Is the baby fine?” Luke asks his voice steady.

“Yes the baby is fine, their keeping a very close eye on both of them.”

“Tom is there anything I can do?”

“As my friend or publicist?”

“Either…Both.”

“As my publicist you can start by getting the word out,” Tom says surprising even himself.

“Are you sure?” Luke asks his voice disbelieving.

“She’s going to wake up Luke, and when she does,” Tom trails off for just a second his emotions getting the best of him until he has to clear his throat to get the words out, “ and when she does I am not going to let her go again. Either of them.”

“All right then. As your friend what can I do?”

“Pray Luke, please just pray.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

Days melt together with subtle signs of Helena returning, but for the most part she lies quiet and unmoving, and every day passes much like the one before it. Except for today. With his heart heavy in his chest Tom packs his suitcase his eyes unable to leave Helena’s face. He hates the idea of leaving, worrying that she’d wake while he is away, or worse. He shuts his mind off before the thought can even come to fruition in his mind and with a shake of his head he zips his case shut.

“Hey, you ready?” Benny asks from the door, “If you’re going to make the flight we need to leave now.”

“Of course,” Tom says sighing as Benny gathers the case before stepping back into the hall. He crosses to Helena, pulling the I-Pod from the side table and unraveling the headphones he begins to talk.

“I won’t be gone for long darling, I promise. I just have a few things to see to back home,” he murmurs to her as he skims through the playlists finally deciding on one, “I’m going to leave you with some music and I think you’ll be rather pleased by my choices. Just do me a favor okay?” his words are small as he presses his lips carefully to the smooth skin of her temple, “Don’t you dare leave me Lena. I’ll come back to you, to both of you; you just have to do the same. I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> None for this chapter sadly. I was seriously all over the place while writing (and rewriting) this chapter that my music was more background noise than anything else, and I just couldn't settle on any one song that stood out more than the others.
> 
> Hello-Hi...
> 
> Now I am all caught up. I will be putting in some serious time on this story to repair what didn't make it through the crash and will be resuming my regular posting schedule of a chapter on Monday and Friday. Hope that you all enjoy.
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> P.S. witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (for all news witchcastle) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (my personal page so come and get to know me :))


	7. Come Back; Don't Leave Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena's lost somewhere in the in-between, and Tom is doing everything to keep himself together.

_“Hold on now, you’re leaving, take these hands, don’t you even say goodbye,”-Eyes on You, Automatic Loveletter._

**_-XX-_ **

****

_Floating on a raging sea, waves lifting and falling away and rather than coming to harm from the violence of the churning waters I ride each one, breathing evenly; content. I am lost in the vastness of it all, but every once in a while, under the sound of the crashing tide I can hear music._

_‘You disappear with all your good intentions…’_

_‘_ _And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?’_

_‘Driving me crazy with that ‘kiss me’ smile…’_

_Everything is still now, and quiet, the storm silenced as quickly as it had begun, and as I float along, lulled into complacency the words, the lyrics, are like patch work as they dance out in the stars. It’s curious really, the way the universe seems to be transforming around me, and I hear the voice in the distance, calling out to me, urging me to come back, and I lazily roll treading water with my eyes trained to the shore line._

_The shape is nothing but shaky and blurred lines and I can’t make out who it is, but the urgency builds inside of me as I begin swimming furiously trying to close the gap between me and the shadow on the shore._

_‘You've held your head up_

_You've fought the fight_   


_You bear the scars_   


_You've done your time,_

_Listen to me_   


_You've been lonely, too long…’_

_‘Come back Lena, please come back…’_

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

He checks in to the hotel unsure of how he’s still functioning, if he’s sill functioning. Surely the power nap on the flight and coffee must have helped, but his sleep fogged mind doesn’t comprehend how. Having slogged his way through a blur of interviews, table readings, and endless questions about the _‘mystery woman’_ in his life, rest unfortunately has been the lowest of his priorities. Granted he knew it was coming, but it was a surprise all the same when he landed in London ten days earlier and was met with a barrage of paparazzi hoping for a sign of Helena. Sadly the news of her current state took a little longer to reach people than the news of her existence.

He has to admit, for the most part, people have been kind. He’s found himself leaning heavily on his family and closest friends, all who offer words of encouragement or as he has often found himself needing, the comfort of silence.

He rolls his tired shoulders as he steps into the elevator and checking his watch he wonders if he can fit in a bit of a lie down before Benny arrives. He’s been in constant contact with Benny since his departure, and he’s done a good job at keeping him updated on Helena’s progress; which is how he found out that four days after he left Helena started breathing over the ventilator, a good sign that her lungs were ready to function on their own and she has since then been on nothing more than the smallest dose of supplementary oxygen.

Her prognosis as well as the baby’s, gets better every day, and she’s even been moved from the ICU to the continuing care floor, and yet the doctors are still at a loss as to why she hasn’t woken up yet. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t feared that maybe something had gone wrong without being noticed. He spent many sleepless nights researching traumatic brain injuries and the potential repercussions of sustaining one, but the doctors insist that the tests are coming back clean, proving that her brain function is just fine.

So he’s left with the hollow comfort of _‘she’ll come back when she’s ready,’_ and the haunting question of what if she is never ready. What if she gives up, and decides it’s easier to just slip away?

He forces himself to take a few steadying breathes before stamping out the thought. He doesn’t want to face it, refusing to entertain it. It is simply, in his mind, an impossibility. Helena’s stronger than that, and just as fresh resolve filters through his system the elevator signals his arrival.

 

**_-XX-_ **

****

“How long are you back for?” Benny asks as they make the short drive from the hotel to the hospital and feeling refreshed from his forty five minute cat nap Tom looks over at his friend. He notes the look of exhaustion on his face and for a second he worries that maybe he’s pushing himself too hard.

“Five days, and then I’ll be heading to Toronto,” Tom replies running a finger over his lip, “Filming won’t start for a while but some things need ironed out yet.”

“You leave the day before…” Benny begins saying his voice thick.

“Helena’s birthday, I know.”

“It’s a little less than a five hour flight,” Benny says changing the subject and stifling a yawn, “I know you’ll come back as much as you can but I hope you know that it isn’t an obligation.”

“Benny, I might not be here as much as I want to be, but I’ll be here when I can be.”

“I know I’m sorry I didn’t mean for it to come across that way, I’m just so damn exhausted. Between Mom being transferred and Helena…”

“Momma Bee was transferred?” Tom asks surprised by the news.

“She demanded it. Said she wanted to be closer to Helena. She moved a couple of days ago to the SCCA House. She’s loving it, and I think what happened with Lena has changed her perspective somehow. She’s been considering treatment options.”

“It’s changed everything.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

 

Helena’s room is quiet and full of color with flowers lining the window sill, and get well cards strung together hanging just over her bed. Momma Bee and Clara’s doing no doubt, and with a soft smile he sees the ear buds in her ears, his IPod lying beside her. She looks better. Not as pale or as broken as she was when he left, and with a sigh he settles in a chair beside her, his back to the window. He looks at the song playing, _‘Eyes on You,’_ remembering that it was Helena who introduced him to Automatic Loveletter, and with a shake of his head he pulls one of the ear buds out clearing his throat.

“I’m back,” he murmurs, one hand covering hers, the other coming to rest on her stomach, “I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Work you know? Who needs it right? I was hoping you would have woken up by now. I wish you would. Everyone misses you. Momma Bee has moved from the hospital in Tacoma, she’s staying close by, at least that’s what Benny told me. I haven’t seen her yet, but he says she’s considering treatment. Clara and Momma Bee have been decorating. You should see the flowers Helena, they are beautiful, and I think the cards that have been sent could rival any gift shop around here. I know I’m rambling, but without you to direct the conversation I’m kind of lost. I brought something for you.”

He rummages through the bag he brought with him, his hand finding the leather bound book and with a soft smile he pulls it free his eyes remaining on Helena, and for a second he stares at her willing her to blink her eyes open, but when she makes no movement he resigns himself to settling back with the book.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’ve kept it all this time. I know you’ve probably read this book a million times it is your favorite after all,” his words trail off and because he feels compelled to do so he leans over and brushes a kiss to her forehead, “let’s start at the beginning shall we?”

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

The stars are bright, shimmering in all their glory against the inky black curtain of the night sky, and I smile. Despite the breeze I feel no chill, only warmth, as my fingers brush over the sand. It’s like a different world here, an easier world and with no sense of time I’m happy to just lie in the sand as everything passes me by.

_“Let’s start at the beginning shall we?”_ the voice is faint on the breeze and I sit up looking for him, but he isn’t here. I’m alone, and slowly the content feeling slides away replaced by acute loneliness.

_“It has been said that love, true love, can survive infinite lifetimes; that when one person finds the mate to his or her soul there is nothing that can truly keep them apart; no circumstances of the living, nor death himself, for when two souls recognize one another it is magic. So begins the story of Ella and her Michael, two souls still looking for one another.”_

I curl onto my side, arm stretching out and I can almost feel him here beside me; his warmth, his love, his very soul.

The tears begin slow at first, silently rolling over the bridge of my nose to soak into the sand, and then they begin to spread until the sand begins to fall away taking me with it, until I’m back in my cottage curled beside him, my Thomas, lying in his arms listening to the heart that beats a steady rhythm in his chest as he reads. He has the kind of voice for reading out loud, the kind of voice that breathes new life to the printed word.

“You were gone,” the words slip from my mind to my lips as I stare up at him.

“I never left love, you must’ve dozed off,” he reassures me but I shake my head sitting up to look around, memories tickling the back of my mind but I can’t make them out.

“No, you did leave. I-I remember saying goodbye to you,” I murmur as the room begins to spin, the space between us growing by the second until Tom is on his knees reaching out for me, “You left me behind…”

“Helena take my hand,” Tom pleads with me his hand outstretched, “Please darling, just take my hand. Come back, don’t leave me now.”

_Come back. Don’t leave me now._

_Come back. Don’t leave me now._

_Come back. Don’t leave me now._

The words echo in the darkness as I slip away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Dust To Dust (The Civil Wars)  
> Eyes On You (Automatic Loveletter)
> 
> Honorable Mentions
> 
> Flowers For A Ghost (Thriving Ivory)  
> Stay (Florida Georgia Line)  
> Angel Eyes (Love And Theft)
> 
>  
> 
> Hello-Hi my lovelies,
> 
> Sorry this is coming almost two days late...life you know? Anywho I'm not going to spam this up with a bunch of rambling. Just a quick shoutout to AdoraBelleDearhear, basshy, just_a_dreamer, Northy, waningcrescent, sweetsgal, Narney, and 21 guests for dropping kudos my way. And a HUGE thank you to marie and Cheryl72 for your comments :) Just so everyone knows, I do respond to every comment so feel free to fill my comment boxes. As always, thank you for your continued support.
> 
> Much Love,
> 
> EM
> 
> p.s. witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (for all things witchcastle related (music muses, randomness, and all around good times.)) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (my personal blog so please come and get to know me.)


	8. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes loss can bring you back.

_“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.”-Alyson Noel, Evermore._

**_-XX-_ **

****

_The doors to Timber stand glistening under the moon and for a second all I can do is stare, perplexed on how it is exactly that I came to be here. The darkness had been so stifling, so overwhelming that for a while I thought for sure it would simply choke the air from my lungs and I would cease to exist, but here I am standing on a familiar street, dressed in a familiar black dress and heels, feeling drawn to walk through the doors of the club._

_I have to be here for a reason, all of this, whatever it is, has to be for a reason. I take a shuddering breath as I reach for the door only for it to be pushed open and I’m pulled inside by Benny, who with a broad grin spins me onto the dance floor._

_“Took you long enough to get here, where have you been?” Benny’s voice is raised over the music as he dances around me._

_“How did you get here?” I ask pitching my voice high in the hopes that he can hear me._

_“You brought me here, you brought us all here,” he says stopping to motion to everyone who surrounds us. The faces are all so familiar, and for a second I feel myself filling with warmth by the idea that so many people that I love and care about are here, for me._

_Until I see Thomas. My heart gives a vicious kick as I’m undeniably torn between joy from finding him here, and the messy feelings of betrayal for what…_

_For what?_

_I draw a blank on what it is exactly that I’m so angry with him about as I watch him dance, the smile on his face almost blindingly bright._

_“Hello love,” Thomas cups his hands around his mouth calling out to me and I step towards him until my hand is in his. He draws me close until my head rests against his chest and I can hear the sound of his heart beating as my eyes close. If there is a heaven, this must be it, and the thought comforts me. Here, with him like this there is no doubt of anything. Here like this, I can love him, and he can love me, and I feel myself sinking further and further away from everything until it’s just me, Thomas, and the silence._

_“Little Bird…”_

_Momma Bee._

 

**_-XX-_ **

 

_I find myself alone again, standing on the beach, my toes buried in the damp sand as my shoulders rack with silent sobs. It’s a lie. All of this. A lie._

_“I knew you’d figure it out eventually,” Momma Bee’s voice floats around me and lifting my face up I find her standing in front of me her lips turned up in a sad smile._

_“That means you’re a lie too, you aren't here. I-I’m alone,” I say and she shakes her head slowly and the realization hits me fast and hard as I take a stumbling step forward to grab her, “No, oh no!”_

_“Hush, hush little bird,” she whispers in my ear as she hold me close and we sink together to the sand until I’m cradled in her lap and she rocks me slowly back and forth to the sound of the ocean crashing around us._

_“You weren't supposed to die,” I whisper keeping my eyes closed tight, “You aren't dead. This-this is all just a bad dream, I just have to wake up, why can’t I wake up?” The pain I feel tells me this is anything but a bad dream._

_“Everyone dies Lena, there’s no escaping it.”_

_“Am I dead too?” I ask my voice shaking as I force myself to look at her and smiling she shakes her head. I unfold myself from her arms resting instead on my knees to look at her, to really study her, “I’m not leaving here without you.”_

_“Oh Little Bird, that isn't up to you,” she laughs as she brushes the hair from my face, “You've been gone long enough. You have to go back.”_

_“Not without you,” I stammer and with tears of her own rolling down her cheeks she takes my face in her hands._

_“You have a child to bring into this world Helena. Oh, I wish I could be there to see you be a Momma, and to see my Benny be a Daddy when his time comes…and I will be. I’ll always be watching over you, all of you.”_

_“That isn't the same, and it isn't fair.”_

_“Life isn't fair.”_

_“This isn't life, this is death, and I will not go back without you! I lost one mother…I can’t, I can’t lose another one…”the anger bubbles up inside of me but Momma Bee’s comforting hold on my face smothers it as she presses a soft kiss to my forehead._

_“You listen to me Helena James; you have people waiting for you. Benny, Joseph, they are going to need you and you them. Thomas is waiting for you too and your child…”_

_My child. Our child. I press a hand to my stomach as all of the things she has been saying finally starts to sink in under the fog of grief._

_“I won’t get to say goodbye,” I whisper and she laughs that rich smoky laughter that I have always loved._

_“You don’t have to say goodbye Little Bird. I may not be there physically but you can bet your ass I will be there every step of the way. Now go.” She stands pulling me with her and as I begin to walk away I stop to look over my shoulder at her._

_“Are you scared?” I ask and she shakes her head as a pulsing light begins to envelope her growing brighter and brighter with her widening smile._

_“No, and you shouldn't be either.”_

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

He stands at the door of Helena’s hospital room in shocked silence as Clara weeps openly into her hands. He heard the words. They processed through his fatigued mind well enough to settle heavily in his heart as he realizes the loss that is going to rock the very foundation of his family, because that’s what they are, all of them.

They are his.

And now one of the most integral pieces of that family is missing.

She’s just gone.

He feels the first hot tear roll down his cheek despite the way he clenches his jaw. He’s breaking down, and if Clara wasn’t standing in front of him he’d walk away, run if he had to if it meant he could find somewhere to grieve in silence for five minutes. That’s all he needs, five minutes to let the grief blow fiercely through him.

“You need a haircut,” the voice breaks through the raging grief swelling inside of his head and for a second he wonders if his heart stopped as he turns finding familiar blue green eyes staring back at him.

“Helena,” he stumbles towards her pulling the railing down on the bed so he can sit and carefully he takes her hand in his, holding it against his chest as he presses his lips to her skin.

 

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

I listen numbly as doctors come in and out explaining my prognosis, and everything that has happened in the last seventeen days. I’ve been assured that the fog will lift eventually, but for now I’m thankful that I don’t remember all of the details. The neurologist tells me that with physical therapy I should be able to regain full use of my left hand, that nerve and motor function damage is to be expected given the injury to my brain, and the Perinatologist has just finished explaining that barring any significant changes or complications my baby should miraculously be just fine, and it’s upon that news that I feel the vice clenched around my heart begin to loosen.

“Helena,” Clara says taking a step towards me but Thomas stops her with a touch of his hand to hers and they exchange a look that has dread filling me.

“Can you give us a few minutes?” Thomas asks and with a nod of her head she leaves us alone closing the door tightly behind her.

The silence is thick as I study him and it’s curious, really, his red rimmed eyes stare at me so sadly that I wonder if I’m really awake at all or if this is just another layer of the dream that I hadn't reached before. He pulls the chair closer so that he can take my hand in his and when he does the IV tugs just enough to send pin points of pain through me and I know I’m awake.

“You stayed,” I say and he smiles a heartrendingly smile that makes me wish I could reach out and brush away the lines of worry forming on his forehead, “Why?”

“I wasn't going to leave you Helena, I did once before and it nearly cost me...I won’t ever make that mistake again, besides…you’re having my baby.” He lights up just a little when he says it and I wonder how I could have ever thought to keep it from him, “Helena…”

The door to the room flies open and Benny steps in, his chest heaving as he stops his eyes widening in disbelief before bursting into tears and I try to get up but Thomas stops me.

“Let me up,” I demand but Thomas shakes his head as he crosses to Benny wrapping him in a tight hug.

“She doesn't know,” he says it over and again and I sit in confused silence watching Benny as he tries his hardest to compose himself.

“I don’t know what?” I ask fear thickening my words as Benny crosses to me dropping to his knees beside my bed taking my hand in his, “Benny?”

“Mom’s gone Lena.”

“What?” I ask and I don’t even recognize my own voice, “No! No, it was just a dream, she’s fine.”

“Lena she died this morning,” Benny sobs as presses his face against my side and I try to pull my hand free from his but can’t because I find myself paralyzed by grief, “She’s gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, no music muse(s) for this chapter. I had an original chapter but things got changed and I find that this story is definitely taking me on a different path than I at first thought it would. 
> 
> Hello-Hi Lovelies,
> 
> So first I want to apologize for it being so long since I updated, I had some things in the real world kind of pull me away but I'm back. A huge thank you to all my supporters who have been with me from the start. You guys are why I keep going. Shout out to cloj, WhateverVivie, and puddin72671 for the kudos, and cloj, puddin72671, and sweetsgal for the comments. You all mean so much to me. I am hoping that from here things pick up a little more but I can say that from here I will be updating as I write as I have no more pre-written chapters.
> 
> As always feel free to drop me a comment ( I always respond even if it takes me a while,) or a kudo, because they make me happy! 
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> P.S Don't forget, witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (all things witchcastle series, writing, music muse(s) and randomness related) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (to get to know me)


	9. A Season of Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Losing someone often makes people push away those they need the most, and Helena is no exception to this rule.
> 
> WARNING!
> 
> Angst, angst, oh so much angst.
> 
> P.S. Please don't hate Helena too much....it will get better

_“You've changed me forever. And I’ll never forget you.”-Kiera Cass, The Elite_

**_-XX-_ **

My birthday came and went with no celebration and I don’t care. I don’t care about much. Not about my physical therapy appointments, not about the unanswered text messages or phone calls from Thomas, nothing matters. I breathe, I sleep, I think, and lose myself consistently to darkness while I wonder why I was spared and Momma Bee wasn't.

I should be excited. That’s what the doctors say, and Benny, and Joseph, and Clara. I’m going home.

What is home without her? It’s empty. My pain is nearly crippling as I dress with Clara’s help staring numbly at my reflection. My hair has been tamed into a smooth braid expertly covering the bald patch from where my head was shaved and surgery was performed, not that I care. Clara chattered endlessly as she smoothed makeup over my bruises careful to avoid the worst of still healing cuts, but I didn't hear a word she said.

“Are you going to answer that?” Clara asks as she zips the back of my dress and I shake my head.

“No,” I say and she lets out a sigh leaning over my shoulder to take the phone from my lap.

“Hello Tom,” Clara says as Benny helps me into the waiting wheel chair by the door, “We’re getting ready to take her home now. Yeah, Dr. Callaghan said she and the baby are fine; she just has to take it easy. Okay, hold on.” Clara holds the phone up to my ear for me.

“Lena,” Thomas’s voice fills my foggy head and I feel the tears burning hot behind my eyes, “Love are you there?”

“Hmm,” I murmur a whisper from the back of my throat.

“There you are. I just wanted to say hello and I miss you.” I shake slowly pulling my head away from the phone and I can’t miss the look that Benny and Clara exchange before Clara steps into the hall. Her voice is soft as it drifts through the door but I can’t make out what she’s saying and she’s gone for only a few seconds before she’s back in the room to help gather my things.

“You ready to go home Lena?” Benny asks pressing a kiss to my hair and I just keep staring forward, unable of feeling anything at all but the blinding pain.

 

My chest constricts as I walk through the door of my house and looking around I see that not much has changed and given the flowers that sit on the table I know someone has been here, probably Clara, and she’s freshened things up.

“Clara said she went ahead and cleaned up a little in here for you,” Benny says leading me to the couch and once I’m settled down, he sits on the edge of the table his hands covering mine, “People have been sending her over with food. I think you have enough casseroles in the freezer to last a year. Mom’s service is this weekend. We wanted to wait for you.”

“Thank you,” I murmur unable to bring myself to look at my best friend. How can I? His Mom died, and while I should be offering him comfort I can’t because I can’t see past my own grief, and I know that makes me selfish, but, I just, I can’t.

“Lena I can stay,” he says and I know that he’s looking for a way to not have to go home. I can imagine how empty that place must be without her in it.

“You should go home Benny, be with your Dad, he needs you more than I do.”

“Are you sure? I can call Clara…”

“No, I need to be alone for a while.”

“Okay, well, call or text if you need anything. Your prescriptions are on the counter, you should really think about getting some sleep, but first you should call Tom. He’s worried about you.”

**_-XX-_ **

I lift the phone to my ear listening as it rings my fingers tracing the pattern of the quilt that lies over my lap.

_“You've reached Marion Berkley, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. If this is my Joey, Benny, or Lena, I love you.”_

“Momma Bee,” the words tumble from trembling lips as I close my eyes, “Please don’t be gone.”

**_-XX-_ **

 

Saturday dawns overcast and humid and staring through the large window of Momma Bee and Joseph’s house the dark clouds in the distance seem fitting. The weather man swears it will clear up by noon, but honestly I wish they’d stick around a while. A day like this doesn't deserve sunshine. It took a considerable struggle on my part to get into the simple black dress, and even more to tame my hair into a smooth over the shoulder pony tail, and despite knowing that people will stare I kept my makeup light, having exhausted myself from the process of becoming presentable.

“Helena,” Thomas’s voice ripples through the air and for a second my heart catches in my chest as I turn slowly to find him standing behind me. His hair is smooth and perfectly styled as he smiles sadly at me. His suit is attractive and solemnly black in color, with only his tie giving a pop of color. Red. Momma Bee’s favorite.

“You came,” I say hating that his presence should move me so much.

“Of course I did. Momma Bee mattered to me, you matter to me,” he says taking a cautious step towards me.

“She loved you, very much, and she’d be very happy to know you came. If you’ll excuse me,” I say hating that already we've grown accustomed to speaking of her in the past tense. I go to move past him but he catches my elbow in his hand stopping me.

“Lena, we have to talk about this,” he says and I nod fixing a small smile to my lips despite the tears that fight to be shed.

“Not today, not now, and not like this,” I say gently taking my arm back from his hold just in time for Benny to appear at the door. I watch as they exchange hugs and soft words and then Benny’s taking my arm weaving it through his telling me it’s time to go, and if I had the strength within in me I’d kick and scream the whole way, but I don’t, so I go with him knowing that sometimes good byes echo endlessly into the darkness.

 

Marion Berkley was loved. Is loved. If the crowds of people gathered outside of the church nestled on the corner of Main and Hollowvale are any indication I’d say that love reached farther and wider than I had ever anticipated, and walking snugly tucked between Benny and Joseph I have to make a conscience decision to ignore the faces filled with sadness as we pass them by and the empty words of sympathy that mean absolutely nothing to me.

The church is full to capacity with people lining the walls talking quietly among themselves as I’m led to the very front. The casket is shining mahogany under the lights and it’s surrounded by flower arrangements, all colorful and all just so, obscene. When exactly did flowers become a sign of love and remembrance for someone’s life?

Words are spoken as they always are at a thing such as this and I wonder if anyone really means what they say. Do they carefully weigh out their words, or do they speak from their heart not caring if they make no sense?

“At this time I’d like to invite anyone up who has anything they’d like to say about our dear Marion,” the pastor speaks and I don’t know how or even why I get to my feet but I do. I hear the gentle intake of sharp breaths and the soft murmuring of voices as I carefully take the steps that lead to the podium and because my legs are still unsteady I sway but Benny is there taking me around my waist and helping me the rest of the way until I’m holding onto the podium.

I stare at the sea of faces unable to make any of them out thanks to the tears that blur my sight and I have to clear my throat, and take a few steadying breathes before I’m able to articulate my thoughts.

 

“I was-I am one of the lucky ones. I not only got to call Marion a friend, but I got to call her Mom. You see, she knew what takes many their whole lives to learn and that’s the fact that biology doesn't necessarily mean family and sometimes the very best families are the ones you choose, and the ones that choose you. One of the first things Momma Bee ever said to me was that she could tell I was unconventional. Then again at the time I bubble gum pink stripes in my hair, and carried a hard covered book written fifty years ago with me at all times. You see, Momma Bee was the most unconventional of us all. She had this way of knowing when someone was broken and she took them in and healed the hurt and somehow made them better people in the process. I was just about as broken as they come when she got her hands on me and I can say without a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be half of the woman that I am today if it hadn't been for her and her unfailing faith.”

 My voice cracks and I have to stop to let the pressure in my chest loosen its vice like grip on me before I can continue on.

“We are all of us in this room connected through Momma Bee. Most of us don’t know each other; most of us probably wouldn't spend more than five minutes in each other’s company if it wasn't for her. I wouldn't have my best friend Benny if it wasn't for Momma Bee, I wouldn't have Joseph, the closest thing to a father that I have ever had if it wasn't for her. I wouldn't know love.” My eyes find Thomas’s in the crowd and my heart gives a painful kick when I see the tears that swim in them and for a fleeting second it’s just me and him, “I wouldn't know a lot of things if it wasn't for her. Mostly, I wouldn't know that grief could run this deep because the loss of Momma Bee is in fact a tragedy that will leave nobody here untouched.”

 

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

He watches her; captivated by the way she stands so tall, so poised. Her words reverberate in his head and for a second he feels like he’s intruding. Like he doesn't really belong here, but then she moves. A subtle shift of her shoulders and because he knows her better than she thinks he does he knows she’s crying her eyes trained to the spot where Momma Bee will be left to rest.

His movement is purely instinctive and politely he murmurs to the people he weaves through until he’s standing beside her, his hand finding hers and for one horrible moment he fears she will deny him this very base need for human contact, for mutual comfort, but she links their fingers together clinging to him, squeezing tight as the shining casket is lowered into the ground and his heart tightens at the sound of the ragged sobs that tear from Joseph and Benny. He wraps an arm around Benny offering what little comfort he can before John steps up steals him away from the source of ever consuming grief.

He stands with her knowing they are the only ones left, knowing that they too should leave, should move away from this place, because as surely as Momma Bee’s body rests here her spirit is somewhere else, somewhere beautiful, of that he’s certain, but he isn't going to rush her. He’ll stand here as long as it takes for Helena to come to terms with this particular chapter, even if it means that they stand here forever.

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

I find myself alone in Momma Bee’s den, and with the door shut behind me I breathe deep. I can still smell her here, can still feel her warmth, and I wonder how long it will be before it fades away. I settle onto the window seat staring at the way the setting sun seems to set the sky on fire casting beautiful colors against the lingering clouds.

I had to escape the groups of people who remain in the house sharing stories of Momma Bee, stories full of sad laughter and lingering disbelief that she has just ceased to exist. I couldn't take it anymore. I wonder if I will ever be able to handle it. I did once before, but then again it was almost easier the last time around. After all back then it had just been me. There wasn't a town full of people to grieve with me. A handful maybe, but nothing of this magnitude. This isn't something I know how to get through.

“Helena?” Thomas calls from the door and I offer a soft smile as he slips inside closing the door behind him. He sits beside me and I know he’s watching me, trying to decide what to say, if there is anything he can say.

“I meant what I said you know,” I murmur breaking up the tense silence, “I wouldn't know love if it wasn't for Momma Bee; she and Joseph set a glowing example of what love is, of what love can be. I know we can have that.”

“Oh Helena,” Thomas says reaching for me but I shake my head at him getting to my feet as I need to create distance, to keep my nerve to do what I know is the right thing to do.

“I know we can have that Thomas, I just-I don’t want it.”

“What?” he asks getting slowly to his feet.

“I don’t ever want to open myself up to the kind of pain that Joseph is going through now. I would never survive it, and you-you deserve someone who not only wants it but is strong enough for it.”

“Helena you don’t know what you’re saying, your grieving,” he sounds almost desperate as he closes the space between us and his hands come up to cup my face and he stares at me, his eyes filling with panic, “You can’t mean it. I know you don’t, you’re just scared and hurting, and you have been through so much the last little while but if you just gave yourself time, if you just gave me time, you’d see…”

“I am so sorry Thomas,” I whisper squeezing his wrist gently and he clenches his jaw tight resting his forehead against mine.

“What about the baby…our baby.”

“I won’t stop you from being as active a participant in our child’s life as you want to be, but I don’t expect anything from you.”

He takes a faltering step back from me his hands falling heavily to his sides as he stares at me in disbelief.

“Well isn't that just fine, you've thought it all out haven’t you? You make it sound like nothing more than a business arrangement between acquaintances. You’re having a child Helena, my child, and if you think for one second that I will be nothing more than a part time parent at best you are solely mistaken.”

“You are free to be as much of a parent as you wish to be,” I say growing exhausted from this conversation, knowing that I’m hurting him that I have to in order to save him in the end.

“We’ll discuss things when you’re thinking more clearly, when you aren't being blinded by your grief,” he says transitioning almost fluidly from anger to controlled understanding.

“It won’t change things Thomas. I don’t need you,” I say backing up against the door, hating the way my voice hitches, hating the flash of pain that flickers across his face, despising that I’m the one causing it, “I don’t want you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Black Balloon (The Goo Goo Dolls)  
> Run (Snow Patrol)
> 
> Hello-Hi Lovelies,
> 
> Thank you to all of you who have been supporting me through all of this. This chapter was particularly rough for me and I just hope that it measures up. A HUGE THANK YOU to all you kudo droppers and commentators, seriously you are what makes my fiction writing world go round.
> 
> Much Love,
> 
> EM
> 
> PS as always, witchcastleseries.tumblr.com (for all things witchcastle, music muses, pictures, and randomness.) and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com (come get to know me, lets be friends.)


	10. I Can't Do This on My Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena is spiraling out of control and sometimes when that happens what is needed is a harsh wake up call.

** **

_“Sometimes being alone is not the answer.”-Anonymous_

**_-XX-_ **

****

The music is loud, reverberating off the walls of the kitchen as I stand in front of the counter staring down at my left hand. It shakes straining from the amount of work I’m trying to do and I groan in frustration when I reach for the shining silver whisk and it falls from my fingers.

“Damn it!” my hands slam against the counter squeezing my eyes tightly shut. My body is determined to be defiant at every turn. Just this morning I couldn’t manage to button my jeans, my growing bulge finally becoming too much to hide forcing me to slip into a billowy summer dress. I take a deep breath and squaring my shoulders I bend and retrieve the cooking utensil from the floor and ignore the way my arm burns and instead focus on forcing it to do what I tell it to.

The room is stifling as sweat beads and rolls down my back but I pay no attention to the heat as I roll out the dough determined to get this batch right. I lose myself in the music that plays and for a little while I can forget about the mess that is my reality.

The music fades away and I lift my head to tell Clara to go away but instead find Benny standing in the doorway his hands on his hips as he studies me.

“What are you doing?” Benny demands and I wipe the back of my hand over my forehead pushing my hair out of my face.

“Baking cookies,” I say lifting the cookie sheet and almost triumphantly I manage to make it two steps before it slips from my hold and all I can do is wince as it clatters against the tiled floor, “well they were supposed to be cookies anyway.”

“For God’s sake Helena,” Benny says as he rushes forward kneeling down to help me clean up the sticky dough, “you aren’t supposed to be back at work yet. It’s only been five weeks.”

“I’m aware of how long it’s been Benny, and I’m tired of being stuck at home, but the look on your face tells me you didn’t come to remind me that of that fun fact.”

“Why haven’t you been going to physical therapy?” he asks and I actually laugh a sad hollow sound escaping me as I press up to my feet and turn to the refrigerator pulling out a cold bottle of water ignoring his question as I take a deep drink, “Helena.”

“Jesus Benny, I don’t have to answer to you.”

“You do when you are blatantly putting yourself in harm’s way. You’ve missed three weeks Lena, three weeks. You aren’t supposed to be pushing yourself as hard as you are because it can cause more damage. There is a plan in place for a reason.”

“Well maybe I don’t feel like going according to plan. I shouldn’t even be here Benny,” I say and he shakes his head as his eyes widen and he takes a step back.

“No, we aren’t having this discussion again. You survived that accident for a reason Helena, and it isn’t to be so filled with self-pity that you’re willing to not only put yourself but your unborn child at risk. You were supposed to make an appointment with the psychologist Dr. Willis referred you to and you haven’t done that have you?”

“I don’t need a shrink. What I need is for people to leave me the hell alone. This is my mess of a life and I’m doing the best that I can in picking up the pieces.”

“Bullshit! You aren’t picking up any pieces; you aren’t trying to put yourself back together. You’re breaking yourself up more and more, and for what? Your misery will not bring Mom back Lena!” Benny screams and I let out a shuddering breath.

“I know that.”

“Do you? Do you really? Because it seems to me that you are hell bent on pushing every one away that loves you. You haven’t seen Dad since the funeral; you’ve ignored all phone calls and texts that any of us have sent. You sent Tom away.”

“He has nothing to do with this.”

“He has everything to do with this, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you come to terms with what he means to you and what you mean to him your life will be so much easier.”

“Oh what do you know?” I scream accusingly, the depth of my anger surprising even me, “You get to leave! You get to go back to New York with your perfect fiancé, and your perfect life. I have to stay here and be reminded every day that Mom is gone. I get to be reminded that I’m carrying the child of a man who I don’t deserve. How dare you come in here and try to tell me what I’m doing wrong with my life.”

“Is that what you think? You think I’m going to go back to New York and what, forget that my Mom is dead? Do you think I won’t pick up the phone half a dozen times a day to talk to her only to be reminded that she won’t be answering? You aren’t the only one who lost her! You weren’t even there!” he yells back at me and I can feel the blood draining from my face as his words roll through my mind.

“Oh Lena, I didn’t…” Benny takes a cautious step towards me but I take a step back shaking my head.

“Just leave,” I whisper turning away from him as I stare numbly at the cluttered counter, “Just go.”

 

_**-XX-** _

 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper the words as I stare down at the shining headstone. I have found myself here more times than I care to think about, but it seems to be the only place in the world that I feel at peace, that I feel closest to her, “I know you must be disappointed in me, but I just don’t know what to do. You’re supposed to be here who else is there for me to turn to? Who else is going to tell me what I should do?”

I settle onto the shining marble bench that was made for Momma Bee, folding my hands in my lap as I listen. I don’t know what I’m hoping for, but I can’t seem to bring myself to leave here. Not yet. I ignore the high summer sun that beats down on me and the ache in my chest that Benny’s words created. All I can think about is how unfair this all seems.

“Lena?” Joseph’s deep rumbling voice breaks up the thick silence that was hanging over me and lifting teary eyes I find him standing beside Momma Bee’s headstone his large hand resting on the granite, “I should have known it was you who was bringing fresh flowers almost every day.”

I offer him a trembling smile as he sits beside me and when he covers my hands with his I all but break completely apart.

“I have been awful to you and I don’t mean to be so distant, I just don’t know how to work past this,” I confess pressing a fist to my chest as I sob.

“I know honey,” he says drawing me close, “I just worry after you is all. Benny told me, about the fight. He also told me how you sent Tom away. Can I ask why?” I shake my head as I try to find the words but before I can tell him my reasoning, I have to know something first.

“Before I answer that can I ask you something?” I ask and he chuckles as he presses some tissue into my hand.

“You can ask me anything but I can’t guarantee I’ll have the answer.”

“Do you ever regret loving her?” I’m met with stony silence and for a second I fear that maybe I’ve asked an incredibly inappropriate question, and while the silence falls between us I can actually see him. He looks tired, like this whole ordeal has aged him, and the guilt weighs that much heavier on me.

“There are a few regrets I have,” he says at length his eyes falling on mine, “but loving my Marion will never be one of them.”

“Despite the pain?” I ask and he smiles nodding slowly.

“The pain is really a shadow compared to the years of pure happiness I had with her.”

“I sent him away because I’m afraid,” I blurt out the words before I can stop myself.

“Afraid of what?”

“The pain that would come if I ever lost him. It sounds funny and illogical when I say that out loud, but it’s how I feel. I know that I love him, and that he loves me, and I know that we could really have something…but who or what’s to say that a year from now, or five, or fifty he decides he’s had enough and he leaves? Or if he…” I trail off because the thought of him ceasing to exist is so painful that my stomach twists viciously.

“Dies?” he offers and I sigh nodding my head, “Helena James I can tell you only one thing that I know with any certainty and that’s if you live afraid to let anyone in because they may potentially leave you whether by choice or not, you are going to have a very lonely existence, and you don’t deserve it. I know you had a rough start, and you haven’t had the best examples when it comes to men in your life, but I can also tell you that Thomas loves you. He loves you the way I love Marion and that doesn’t happen often.”

“What do I do?” I ask and he smiles as he wraps me close to him and letting out a contented sigh he presses a kiss to my hair.

“I don’t know honey, but I think I know where to start. Come with me.”

 

_**-XX-** _

 

The den is quiet as I sit on the window seat a stack of papers on my lap. I don’t know how much time has passed since Joseph led me in and sat me down wordlessly while he rummaged through the clutter on Momma Bee’s desk before finally producing the documents and with a soft sigh he laid them in my lap and left me alone.

I don’t know what he expects me to find in the pages but they must be important and letting out a shaky breath I lift the top page and begin to read.

 

_‘Marion,_

_They say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and as much as I want to agree with that statement I find myself growing bitter and wondering if those who first came up with it have any sort of real idea what it is like to have loved, and to have lost said love, because from where I stand the pain is unbearable. I cannot begin to understand what happened in the short weeks since I was there to make Helena disappear so completely and resolutely from my life, but I can tell you that since I discovered her absence from my life I have grown to understand pain I would not wish on my worst enemy._

_You of all people will know what happened, where I went wrong, so I ask you please from the bottom of my heart to tell me what happened so that I can try my best to make it right because a life without Helena is just not one I’m sure I can lead._

_-Thomas._

_P.S. If you find that you cannot tell me what wrong I committed can you at the very least tell me that she is well? Surely that will be enough to hold me over until I can find a way to make things up to her.’_

Tears splash against the paper in front of me as I read, page after page, email after email, all full of him trying to understand where he went wrong when in reality it was my fault, from the very beginning. My stupid issues are to blame for my pain, and for his.

I walk numbly up the stairs and pushing open the door at the end of the hall I let out a shaky breath.

“Benny,” I murmur and he turns his head slowly his eyes falling on mine, “I’m going to need help, I can’t do this on my own.”

“You won’t be alone, I won’t ever let that happen, not to you, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Broken Ones (Jacquie Lee)
> 
>  
> 
> Hello-Hi Sweet Readers,
> 
> First I want to say how so very sorry I am that it has been so long since I posted a chapter. The best excuse I can give you without getting to personal is that my real life has been pretty crazy and I wasn't able to dedicate as much time to writing as I had wanted too but now that things have seemingly gotten back to normal I am hoping to be able to write and post more consistently. I hope I didn't lose too many of you, and I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint but if it does I promise it will get better. A huge thank you to all of you who have kept with me, dropped kudos and comments, you all make my fiction writing world go round.
> 
> Much Love,
> 
> EM
> 
> PS Don't forget to check out witchcastleseries.tumblr.com for all things Witchcastle related, and sherlokian-dreamer.tumblr.com to get to know me (leave me a message, lets be friends!)


	11. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness never comes easy...

**_“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”-Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience._ **

****

**_-XX-_ **

 

“How are things going for you Lena?” Dr. Mitchell’s gravelly voice asks as I settle onto the plush couch in his office and I smile slightly as I sink against a pillow.

“Well I feel like I’m the size of a house, I’m hardly sleeping, and Benny and Clara are apparently planning the baby shower of the century, so all in all I’m hanging in there,” I say on a laugh as my fingers begin to work on a knotted piece of cloth.

“It sounds like it’s a busy time for you,” he says and I nod watching as he pushes the glasses up his long nose.

“I like busy.”

“Most women in their eighth month of pregnancy want calm,” his offhand comment makes me shake my head.

“Not me, the busier the better.”

“Can I ask why?”

“When I’m busy I don’t have to think. I can just do. No thoughts, no worries. Just tackle one task after another,” I admit the truth easily enough even though my fingers work furiously in my lap.

“Lena, you’ve been coming to see me twice a week for three months now, and we have made some pretty momentous breakthrough’s, but today I’m hoping we can talk about something that you’ve been avoiding from the beginning,” he says leaning back in his chair, his eyes scanning my face.

“What would that be?” I ask the question all though I already know the answer.

“We have to talk about what happened that day Lena, the day of your accident,” he says scooting his chair closer until he comes to rest in front of me, his arms propped on his knees as he stares at me. Dr. Jordan Mitchell is one of the best in the field of psychology in Washington State which is why Benny dragged me here three months ago and why I’ve kept coming back. He’s laid back and doesn’t push but rather leads, getting to the core of issues without causing too much extra emotional damage.

The silence is thick as I think back, my chest hitching just slightly over the fragmented memories of that long ago day.

“I don’t drive and text, hell I don’t even talk on the phone while I’m behind the wheel. I can’t tell you how many blue tooth’s I’ve gotten over the years that have just gone unused. Everyone who knows me knows that I just find it so irresponsible to put not only yourself but other people at risk for something as silly as a phone call or a text,” I say clearing my throat as I speak trying to calm the emotions welling up inside of me.

“That’s very smart and responsible,” Dr. Mitchell says pushing a box of tissue towards me but it goes untouched.

“I had laundry duty. Benny, Joseph, and I had been staying in a hotel while Momma Bee was in the hospital so we took turns taking laundry home, picking things up, that sort of thing and it was my turn. I had gone to the hospital to check on Momma Bee and when I got there Joseph was livid, and Benny was a mess, and Momma Bee just looked so tired. That’s when she told me that she wanted to go home. That she didn’t want the surgery of treatments or anything. I told her she was giving up, and in the middle of this mess, Thomas walks in. I couldn’t believe it. He just swept in, and Momma Bee is trying to convince me to go have lunch with him, and I was just so mad. So I left…” my words trail off as I blink away the tears.

“I don’t answer my phone when I drive, but I was just so angry, and my phone wouldn’t stop ringing. I recognized the ring tone, and I tried ignoring it, but I started worrying that maybe the stress had affected Momma Bee. I looked away for a second, just one second, and then there was nothing.”

“You made a mistake…” Dr. Mitchell says but I shake my head almost desperately making him stop mid-sentence.

“I could have killed someone…I could have lost my child, my life, and for what?” I demand anger bubbling to the surface.

“You are going to have to forgive yourself eventually Lena. Carrying this around with you is detrimental to your health. People make mistakes every day but those mistakes don’t make them bad people. It makes them human.”

  _ **-XX-**_

 

Dr. Mitchell’s words circle over and over in my head as I work through the doors of Nessa’s Nook, and stop short only when I spot Benny and Clara heads together as they seem to be more times than not as of late.

“There she is,” Benny calls cheerfully across the room and I smile walking towards the pair.

“Here I am, and what are you two up to?” I ask trying to sneak a peek at what they are working on but before I can see anything Clara blocks my view.

“That is for us to know and you to find out,” Clara chimes as she scurries away carrying a white binder to her chest tightly.

“Hmm, I don’t know about you two being so buddy-buddy,” I murmur playfully as I settle into a chair resting my hands over my swollen belly.

“How’s the little one?” Benny asks but before I can answer he’s kneeling down his hands on my stomach as he presses his lips to my shirt, “hey you, it’s your Uncle Benny, yeah you know me. I can’t wait to see your sweet little face.”

“Maybe you can tell the baby to give my bladder a break while you’re at it,” I say and in answer the baby stretches out a secret thrill courses through me. It’s unbelievable and indescribable feeling every time I feel the movement of my child inside of me.

“How’d it go today?” Benny asks taking my hands and I sigh letting my head rest back.

“It went. We talked about the accident,” I whisper. Out of everyone the only one who knows the whole story besides me and now Dr. Mitchell, is Benny. He is after all, my best friend, “it helped I guess, but if anything I’m left with more questions than answers.”

“Anything I can help you with?” he asks and with a shake of my head I squeeze his hands tight.

“No I think I have to figure this one out on my own.”

 

  _ **-XX-**_

I find solace in the silence of the store as I prepare to close up. I’ve sent Clara on her way and Benny is busying himself with Joseph and it’s in this moment that I find the time to really think about what Dr. Mitchell said. Forgiveness has always been a sticking point for me. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do somewhere in the recesses of my mind but I can’t put my finger on it, which is just frustrating.

“Excuse me,” a male voice draws my attention and turning I find a man standing on the other side of the counter.

“Hi, how can I help you?” I ask fixing a smile to my face as something inside of my head says he looks familiar.

“An Earl Grey if you have it,” the man says and my heart begins to pummel in my chest.

“Of course, take a seat,” I say watching him. He’s a handsome man, brown hair cut short; his charm is really in that he’s baby faced. I brew the tea and take it to him and as I walk away I try to place just where it is that I know him from.

“I’m glad to see that Tom wasn’t lying, you do serve a pleasant cup of tea, for an American,” the man says and I stop short realization slamming into me. I turn slowly emotions rising quickly inside of me.

“Luke,” I whisper and he smiles his hands clasping in front of him but before I can say anything else he’s motioning for me to sit across from him and as if I’m on autopilot I do, unable to put a coherent sentence together.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Helena,” he says after a lengthy silence.

“Why are you here?” the question blurts out of my lips before I can stop them.

“I’m here for Tom, well on his behalf really,” he says lifting the tea to his lips.

“As his publicist or his friend?”

“Speaking as his publicist I can say that Tom’s career is only going up from here,” he says, “but I’m not here as his publicist. I’m here as his friend. I’m worried for him. Since you two, ended things in the manner that you did he hasn’t been the same. He’s burying himself in work, which for him really isn’t anything knew, but he’s missing his spark. He’s missing you.”

“Does he know you’re here?” I ask and on a laugh Luke shakes his head.

“No, and if he ever asks I’ll deny it. I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t what you would call enthusiastic when he first told me about you. I figured it was a fling,” he says and I feel the blood rush to my face humiliation washing over me, “but it wasn’t. It isn’t. He is so in love with you.”

“It isn’t that simple Luke, if it was…”

“If it was, what? Tell me what it would be if it were that easy.”

“It wouldn’t be this,” I say motioning around me, “I wouldn’t be here, without him. If I could I would drop everything and be with him, but it’s too complicated.”

“What if it could be?” he asks a glint to his eyes and somehow I know that what he’s going to say just might change my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Sadly, none this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Hello lovelies, how are all of you? I hope you all are still here. I know that it has been forever. I haven't even looked to see how long it's been because I'm afraid too. I could give you a million excuses, but I will simply say that life has knocked me down and I don't know how I managed to get back up. However here I am and I'm hoping that you all are safe, happy, and well. I love you guys! I'm hoping that this chapter makes up for the absence, even a little bit. Much love and thanks to those who have continued to comment and drop kudos for this story, come see me at emersonswritingcorner.tumblr.com for all things Witchcastle related (and for other writings, leave a request, and music muse(s)) and to get to know me (aside from my writing) come to oh-twhiddleston-my-twhiddleston.tumblr.com lets be friend.
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM


	12. Welcome to the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day has come and while Helena works to bring a new life into the world someone new enters the picture and threatens to ruin everything.

_“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.”-Robert Browning._

****

**_Tom_ **

**_-XX-_ **

The exhaustion reaches down to his bones as he lets himself into the hotel room that has become like a second home to him. It seems like it has been nonstop motion from the moment that he left Witchcastle, and he’s grateful for it. He knew that if he had stopped to truly process what happened with Helena that he wouldn’t have been able to keep going. Instead he shut down his emotions and has poured himself into the characters he’s been playing. Anything to keep his mind off the woman he loves and the child, his child that she carries.

It’s too painful to think about just yet.

With a sigh he shrugs out of his shirt and with his hands working on his belt a knock on the door sounds and he has half a mind to ignore it but he can’t. In a few easy steps he’s across the room and pulling open the door to find Charlotte, the young PA who Luke left behind to overlook things for him while he takes care of things in London.

“Charlotte,” Tom says leaning against the door way giving an easy smile, “everything okay?”

“I’m really sorry I just wanted to drop off the scenes for tomorrow,” Charlotte says and he smiles motioning for her to come in.

“Thank you. I was just going to take a shower and find something to eat,” Tom says as she lies the script down on the table.

“I’ll get out of your way then Mr. Hiddleston,” she says and he can’t help the laugh that bubbles through his lips. She’s been with him for weeks and almost daily he has to remind her to call him Tom. She’s easily flustered around him and for a moment he wonders if Luke purposely left her with him knowing she fancies him.

“You don’t have to. In fact why don’t you wait for me and we’ll go grab a bite to eat,” he offers, “after all we’ll be spending quite some time together so we might as well get to know one another better.”

“O-okay,” she stammers.

“I’ll be twenty minutes,” he says excusing himself to the bathroom. He knows he’s walking fine line but the way he sees it, it will be easier for her in the long run if she sees him as a person and co-worker then seeing him as a celebrity.

 

_ Charlotte _

**_-XX-_ **

She couldn’t believe her luck. First she gets to work with such a fine male specimen, but now he’s asked her out on a date. Sure she had heard rumors of some woman in Washington who was supposedly carrying his child, but if that were true he surely wouldn’t be asking her out now would he. She quietly steps to the mirror over the long dresser smoothing her black hair carefully and curses the fact that she left her purse in her room down the hall. What she would give for a little lip gloss at the moment.

The sound of Tom’s phone ringing breaks up her thoughts and for a second she wonders what to do.

“Would you mind getting that?” Tom calls from the bathroom. She picks up the device and the name flashing on the screen is one she doesn’t recognize.

“Hello?” she answers and there is a small pause on the other end.

“Is Tom there?” a deep voice asks.

“Who may I ask is calling?”

“This is his friend Benny.”

“I’m sorry he’s unavailable at the moment, can I take a message?” she asks politely.

“Can you tell Tom that Lena is delivering the baby and she wants him here.”

“Absolutely.”

“Thanks.”

“Who was it?” Tom asks from the door of the bathroom and she turns quickly her mouth growing dry as he rubs a towel over his head her eyes scanning his body stopping at the towel slung around his hips.

“Uh, wrong number.”

“Oh okay. Well I’ll only be a few more minutes and then we can go,” he says turning back into the bathroom and once she hears the door close behind him she makes quick work of deleting and blocking the number.

 

**_Lena_ **

**_-XX-_ **

“Did you call him?” my voice is small as nurses work in tandem around each other, unhooking monitors and making notes in my chart.

“I did,” Benny reassures me as he steps into the scrubs that were handed to him.

“That’s good,” I manage the words despite my chattering teeth.

“He’s going to be here Lena, I know he will,” Benny says and I smile nodding my head. My emotions are all over the place but fear is the most acute of them all as it courses through my body. I’m exhausted having gone into labor nearly thirty six hours ago, and because my body decided to betray me, I find myself being prepped for a C-section.

“Hey,” Benny says stepping to my side his hand finding mine, “you are going to be just fine. In a few minutes you’ll be meeting your little one.”

  _ **-XX-**_

I fight the tears as I’m wheeled down the hall trying to listen to Benny who chatters beside me. He’s trying desperately to keep my mind occupied but it isn’t working.

“Benny?” his name is shaky as I speak, “I’m scared.”

“I know honey but I’m going to be here the whole time. I promise, I’m not going anywhere, you won’t be alone.” Our hands are linked and taking a final deep breath I close my eyes.

  _ **-XX-**_

Everything happens so fast once I’m pushed through the double doors of the operating room. The room seems impossibly huge with teams of people standing around and as if given an invisible cue they all work as one, moving me from the bed to the operating table. My eyes wheel around as I try to see everything that is going on around me but my vision is cut off once they put up the screen. My entire body trembles and for one moment I worry that something is going to go terribly wrong because I can’t seem to stop shaking but the anesthesiologist assures me that it’s a normal reaction to the epidural.

“Benny,” I reach for his hand as the doctor gets to work.

“I’m right here,” he says one hand resting on my head; “You’re doing so good Lena.”

“Okay you’re going to feel short of breath here in a second, we’re almost done Helena,” the doctor says and then it feels as if all the air is sucked from the room and I gasp as an oxygen mask is placed over my face, and after a few seconds I hear the high pitched screams of my baby.

“It’s a girl, a beautiful healthy little girl. All ten fingers, all ten toes,” a nurse talks excitedly as Benny stands to his feet and I watch as his face lights up despite the tears rolling down his face.

“Oh Lena, she’s beautiful.”

“Is she okay? Is she okay, oh God, I have a baby girl,” I cover my face with my hands and weep.

  _ **-XX-**_

 

I thought I understood love.

I love my friends.

My family.

But all of that love pales in comparison to the love I feel for the tiny bundle in my arms. My daughter stares back at me from dark blue eyes as if she’s trying to figure out just what in the world is going on.

“Hi sweet girl,” I murmur brushing my fingers over her skin, “you are so loved.”

“You’re awake,” Benny says and I lift my face to find him holding a ridiculously large teddy bear in his arms.

“I haven’t been to sleep yet. I can’t put her down,” I say watching him as he busies himself with finding the perfect spot in the room for the bear.

“Have you settled on a name yet?” he asks once he’s settled on the edge of the bed, and with a smile I lean forward passing her to his waiting arms.

“Her name is Aveline Maressa Flynn-Hiddleston,” I say and his eyes slowly meet mine.

“That’s a mouthful. Should I ask about giving her Tom’s last name?”

“He’s her father…I’m not going to hide that from her. I just,” my voice hitches as I swallow the lump in my throat, “I thought he’d be here, I thought he’d come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> You Were Born by Cloud Cult
> 
>  
> 
> Hello lovelies,
> 
> First off I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos, seriously it meant the world to me! I was worried because it had been so long since I updated that nobody would still be around, and I was so wrong for doubting you all. You are all so amazing and sweet and if I could I would hug you all!
> 
> A couple of things about this chapter, firstly I know it's kind of risky throwing a new character in but I promise you it will all come together so just bare with me, and as for the birth scene, I really didn't want to drag it out and it mirrored in a lot of ways my own experience. I had my son via c-section and it literally was after 36 hours of labor and it seemed like it happened very fast so that's why it seemed all over the place so I apologize if it wasn't that great of chapter, I promise you it will get better.
> 
> Come visit me at emersonswritingcorner.tumblr.com for all things Witchcastle and writing related, make a request or leave a note, and come get to know me at oh-twhiddleston-my-twhiddleston.tumblr.com 
> 
> As always, Much Love,
> 
> EM


	13. Do You Believe Me Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strings are being pulled and with all that pulling some are bound to get crossed and tangled.

_“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.”-Voltaire._

****

_Thomas,_

_I know the way things were left between us were less than good. In fact I can’t find the words for how they were left, but I’ve tried everything I can think of, short of tracking you down in person, to tell you this news. At one fourteen in the morning on December second Aveline Maressa Flynn-Hiddleston was born via C-section. She weighed 7 lbs. 8.4 ounces and was 20 ½ inches long._

_She’s one week old today._

_And she’s beautiful._

_You have a daughter Thomas and she needs you._

_-Helena._

**_-XX-_ **

_Thomas,_

_One fourteen in the morning, December 2 nd, Aveline Maressa Flynn-Hiddleston was born. 7 lbs. 8.4 ounces, 20 ½ inches long._

_-Helena._

**_-XX-_ **

_Thomas,_

_Aveline Maressa Flynn-Hiddleston born December 2 nd at 1:14 a.m. 7 lbs. 8.4 ounces, 20 ½ inches long._

_-Helena._

**_-XX-_ **

_Thomas,_

_I have racked my brain for weeks, wondering if what happened between us was bad enough to deserve what is happening now, and the answer I have found, is no. I made a mistake. Turning away from you, denying us, denying what we could be, was single handedly the biggest mistake I have ever made, and that is something I will always carry around with me, but Thomas I am begging you, do not take the anger you have with me out on your daughter. YOUR daughter Thomas. She has your hair, golden curling locks and your eyes, impossibly blue eyes._

_Hate me, be angry with me, but don’t do this to her._

_-Helena._

**_-XX-_ **

I rock Aveline slowly back and forth my fingers brushing over her down soft blonde curls and I can’t control the feeling of love that overwhelms me as I watch her sleep. In four short weeks this little girl has become my entire world and as bright as it all seems with her; there is a shadow of darkness that I can’t shake.

A weight I can’t lift.

A sadness that is slowly consuming me.

“I’ve tried everything,” I murmur my eyes not leaving Aveline’s face, “I have called and left messages, but now my numbers blocked. I’ve texted but that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I even emailed him, four times, once a week since she was born and every single email has bounced back to me. I’ve lost him Benny.”

“Lena,” Benny kneels in front of me his hands covering mine.

“What’s worse is she’s lost her father before she even had a chance to know him, and it’s entirely my fault,” my voice is a tremble as the tears course down my cheeks splashing against the back of Benny’s hands, “I drove him away because I’m stupid, I’m selfish, what have I done Benny, what have I done?”

 

**_-XX-_ **

“Lena I don’t have to leave today, I can stay, ring in the new year with you, Aveline, and Dad,” Benny says pausing his hands as he continues to pack.

“I’m almost certain John would disagree greatly with that,” I say smiling at him as I hand him another shirt, “You need to get home to your fiancé and job, we’ll be just fine without you, besides you’ll be back here for your wedding before you know it.”

“It just doesn’t feel right. Who is going to help you with Aveline?” he asks and I know he’s stalling.

“A couple more weeks and I’ll be able to do it on my own, and until then Clara is moving in temporarily at least so we will be just fine I promise Benny. Listen to me. I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, no don’t interrupt me,” I say when he starts pushing up to his feet; “I know that I don’t have to thank you, but I do. You went above and beyond the call of best friend and family, and I will never ever forget that, which is why I want you and John to be Aveline’s godparents.”

“Lena,” he whispers with tears shimmering in his eyes and I can’t stop the tears that fill mine and soon I’m enveloped in his arms.

 

**_Tom_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

He’s a firm believer in luck. Firm enough that he knows and understands that he is having the worst luck of his life. First his phone breaks and he loses all of his contacts which was frustrating, and then someone breached his email account. All around it has caused nothing but one headache after another, but in all reality it would have been so much worse for him if it hadn’t been for Charlotte.

She’s been spectacular really. Replacing his phone, setting up his new account. She has definitely made things better for him which is why she deserves the much needed break that is coming in the form of a long weekend to celebrate the New Year.

“Tom,” Charlotte’s voice cuts through his thoughts as he closes his small suitcase, “your car is here.”

“Thanks Charlotte,” Tom says smiling as he slings the bag on his shoulder, and before he forgets he pulls a small wrapped box from his jacket pocket, “this is for you. A late Christmas present. Have a safe flight Charlotte and I’ll see you in the New Year.”

“Thanks Tom, but you didn’t have to do this,” Charlotte says blushing sweetly as she motions with the gift, “Are you heading home for the New Year?”

“Uh no,” he says holding the door open for her, “I’m heading to Witchcastle.”

 

**_-XX-_ **

****

 

The flight went by in the blink of an eye and the drive even quicker and now he finds himself sitting in a rented SUV staring at the window of Nessa’s Nook. It’s been months since he’s seen her, and he knows she is over-due so the likelihood of her being in the shop right now is slim to none but it’s his best bet.

He steps out of the warmth and into the chilly December air taking easy steps to cross the frozen street and taking a deep breath he stops in front of the door. Her back is to him her hair swept over one shoulder as she talks to a couple at a table and he feels the familiar hitch in his chest. Lifting his hand he pulls open the door and is greeted by a blast of warmth as he shakes the snow from his hair.

“Hello…” her voice trails off once she’s turned to look at him and his eyes land on bundle she holds against her with the help of a sling.

“Thomas,” her voice shakes as she stares at him and though he wished to hear her speak his name one more time in the months without him, he can’t dampen the anger that is on a slow boil.

 

**_Lena_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

My heart hammers against my chest as I stare at Thomas and I can’t ignore the look of anger on his face.

“Clara,” I call out waiting for a response. It feels like a storm brewing between us and the last thing I want is for it to happen in front of Aveline or my customers.

“Yeah…oh, Tom hi,” Clara says and before I can ask her to take Aveline she gathers her in her arms with a small smile, “I’ll take her up, come on pretty girl it’s time for your nap. It was nice seeing you again Tom.”

“Clara,” Tom’s voice is cold as he stares after Clara who takes the winding stairs to the upper level.

“We can talk in the office,” I say and I turn quickly heading to the back office. It’s a short walk but it feels like it might as well have been a million years. I jump slightly as he snaps the door shut behind him and taking a deep breath I turn to look at him.

“When was she born?” his voice is deadly calm as he stares at me.

“December second,” I murmur softly.

“Four weeks,” he roars slamming his hands against the desk and I can’t help but jump a little, “you had our daughter, my daughter four weeks ago and didn’t think to tell me!”

“Excuse me,” the shock rings through my voice as his words hit me, “who do you think you are?”

“I think I’m a man who had a right to know his daughter was born!”

“Do you have any idea what I went through? Thirty six hours of labor Thomas, thirty six. And the entire time I wanted you there, I needed you there! Benny called you every couple of hours to no avail! I called you and then my number was blocked, I texted you and guess what those were blocked too, and every email I sent which was one a week since she was born bounced back to me. You shut me out!”

“What are you talking about?” he asks taken aback, “I never got a call or a text or an email.”

“Oh so now I’m a liar too?” I demand anger hazing my vision as I stomp to my laptop and with a few clicks I pull up every email I sent that was sent back to me and turn the screen for him to see, “is this enough proof for you Thomas? Call Benny yourself! Do it!”

I shake as I watch him pull his phone from his pocket only for him to just stare at the screen.

“His number isn’t here…”

“What?” I ask coming around the desk to look at his phone.

“It’s a new phone; some of my contacts must not have transferred…”

I dial his number from my phone next and put it on speaker phone to show him the truth and when the message plays back that his phone is not accepting calls from my number he sinks slowly into a chair.

“Do you believe me now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Battleships-Daughtry
> 
>  
> 
> Hello Lovelies,
> 
> Not much to say here this time around except for a HUGE thank you to all of you. Thank you for taking the time to leave a kudo or comment on my story, you don't know how much it means to me, and if I could I would seriously hug each and every one of you!
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> P.S. as always come see me 
> 
> emersonswritingcorner.tumblr.com for all things Witchcastle and writing related, here you will find music muse(s) and other fun.
> 
> &
> 
> oh-twhiddleston-my-twhiddleston.tumblr.com where you can come and get to know me and my randomness, lets be friends!


	14. Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all you have to do is say yes...

_“Take a deep breath, clear your head, and say yes.”-Anonymous._

**_-XX-_ **

****

“I don’t know about this,” I murmur smoothing shaky hands over my thighs as I sit in an arm chair trying to calm my warring emotions, “this is all a little too dramatic don’t you think? I’m sure the last thing Thomas is going to want to see when he comes back in from his run is me sitting here. I shouldn’t have come. This is a mistake.”

I get to my feet unable to rein in the nervous energy that courses through me and begin to pace wildly fighting the urge to chew at my nails; a nasty habit I thought was beaten long ago.

“I can assure you that you are exactly who he needs to see,” Luke says smoothly and as if to convince me even more he catches me by the shoulders looking me in the eyes, “he’s been going crazy for the last two weeks. You should have seen the way he raged at Charlotte before firing her, and at first I thought that was what he was so upset about, but then he told me that you said no.”

“I didn’t say no!” I throw my hands in the air wiggling out from under his hands, “I said that I needed time to think, to try and work things out in my head.”

“And have you, worked things out that is?” he asks and with a sigh I nod as I lower onto the chair once more.

“I love him Luke…I love him more than I ever dreamed I would love a man,” my voice shakes as I speak and in his gentle way Luke kneels in front of me fishing a handkerchief from his pocket pressing it into my hands.

“Then coming here now is what had to be done. Just breathe Helena, now I must be going. I have some work to finish up, Tom should be back any minute now,” he says and I smile weakly as he makes a quiet exit from the room leaving me to my own thoughts.

 

**Tom’s POV**

**-XX-**

He’d made a mistake; a mistake of monumental proportions and damned if he knew how he’s going to live with himself because of it. The sweat rolls down his neck as the elevator makes its smooth ascent to his floor and despite his run he hates himself in this moment cursing his indulgence in drinking himself stupid the night before. He didn’t know what possessed him to drink as much as he did. No, that’s a lie. He knew exactly what or in this case who possessed him to drink the way he did, his beautiful, infuriating, and stubborn Helena.

The elevator door glides open and he stops before stepping off because Luke stands in front of him.

“Hello Tom,” Luke says stepping inside.

“Luke what are you doing here?” Tom asks watching his friend slowly smile.

“I just made a delivery to your room,” Luke says but there is something in the tone of the man’s voice that has Tom’s heart skipping a beat and without hesitation he races from the elevator and down the hall. He fumbles the key from his running shorts and curses madly when it slips from his fingers and taking a steadying breath he bends and retrieves it.

His pulse hammers thick in his throat as he opens the door and when he sees her sitting across the room he swears he could drop to his knees and weep.

 

****_Lena’s POV_  
  


**_-XX-_ **

“Hi,” I murmur breaking up the tense silence, unsure of what to do with myself as I watch Thomas who stands in the doorway of the room. His chest heaves and for a second I fear Luke and I were way off base in bringing me here and before I can start to explain anything he’s bounding across the room and I’m in his arms and it’s like being home.

All the emotions that I carefully and tidily swept up and away come tumbling out of me as I cry into his chest. His lips find mine and I sink into the sensation, into the warmth and taste of him, it isn’t until he breaks away from me that I realize that I must have been holding my breath due to the ache in my chest and I try to remember to breathe.

“What are you doing here? Is it Aveline, is she okay?”

“Aveline is fine…I promise, she’s here actually, Clara has her in our room, I just, I had to see you, I had to tell you…”

“Tell me what?” he asks lowering himself onto the end of his unmade bed and he holds his hands out for me take.

“I can’t, I can’t sit, yet,” I say and all the careful words that I had worked out in my head simply flitter away as I look at the way he stares at me, “I came here to tell you, to tell you that I know I don’t deserve you.”

“Helena…”

“No Thomas please just listen,” I say waving my hands at him as I try to find the words again, “I know that I have done nothing but push you away and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that it took everything horrible that has happened for me to realize how uncontrollably in love with you that I am. I am so in love with you Thomas, and if I could turn back time and tell you yes I would but I can’t. All I can do is tell you now that my answer is yes. It’s yes Thomas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies,
> 
> I know that it has been forever since I have updated, and I am truly sorry for that. I had a rather long streak of writers block but I decided to just push through it, for that reason I will apologize now if this chapter is not all that great and I can promise that once I work some of the kinks out it will get better. A HUGE thank you to everyone who has stuck with me this far...and if you are still reading you my friends deserve the moon but I hope you'll settle for internet hugs and my unfaltering appreciation.
> 
> No music muse for this chapter, I'm sorry.
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> p.s. I recently deleted my writing tumblr because it just wasn't as inclusive as I wanted it so I am instead just going to be posting and talking about my stories via my main tumblr blog so please feel free to check it out and give me a follow @ oh-twhiddleston-my-twhiddleston.tumblr.com


	15. This Is Gonna Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A momentary mistake from someones past threatens everything Tom and Lena have worked so hard for.

_“This is gonna hurt if it ever stops, so promise you’ll be careful with my heart.”-Careful by Michelle Featherstone._

**_-XX-_**

 

Eight months of planning have all come down to this weekend.

I take a deep breath as I watch the lighting specialist’s string yards of twinkle lights up and I wonder how it all happened. One moment I’m telling Tom yes, and the next I’m watching as Witchcastle Estate transforms before my very eyes feeling like the main character of my very own cautiously optimistic fairy tale.

“Hey,” Benny’s voice drifts from behind me and I fix a smile to my lips as I turn, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” I say and when wraps an arm around me I rest my head against him.

“Nervous?”

“Very.”

“Getting cold feet?”

“Never. It’s just that there is going to be a lot of people here tomorrow I’ve only ever seen on television or in movies…I’m terrified.”

“Helena, who are you marrying tomorrow?” Benny’s voice is serious as he takes my shoulders in his hands turning me to face him.

“Tom,” I murmur unable to stop my lips from curving by just speaking his name.

“Exactly. Take it from someone who knows, when your standing up there in front of the man you love, you won’t even notice anyone else,” he says motioning to the ring on his finger as if to remind me that he is all knowing now that he’s been married for all of three months.

“You’re right,” I say letting out a deep breath.

“Besides you already met your future in-laws, that’s always the hardest part.” Of course in the back of my head I know that Benny is right. Having already met Tom’s family and finding that they are nothing at all what I had expected in the very best ways possible the hard part is technically over. I still can’t shake the feeling of inadequacy though.

 

**Tom’s POV**

**_-XX-_**

 

Tom sits across from Luke staring at the phone in his hands eyes blurring the pictures that glare accusingly back at him.

“What am I going to do Luke?” Tom asks his closest friend and publicist who hasn’t spoken a word since sitting him down with the news that threatens to ruin what is supposed to be one of the happiest times of his life.

“We’re going to find Helena and you are going to tell her the truth you should have told her eight months ago,” Luke says calmly, “she has a right to learn it from you and not some gossip rag.”

He knows Luke’s right of course but it doesn’t make it any easier. He could use every excuse under the sun for why he didn’t tell Helena sooner. His schedule for one, wedding planning for two, not wanting to cause unnecessary stress when she traveled to London with their six month old daughter on her own to meet his family.

But they are just that excuses. He didn’t tell her because he’s afraid that it will change everything.

He stops in front of the suite that has been designated to Helena hand hesitating as he lifts it to knock and taking a steadying breath he raps his knuckles against the wood but there is no response. He tries the handle and finds it unlocked. With his heart pounding viciously against his ribs he lets himself in and finds Helena standing with her back to him.

“Helena,” his voice shakes as he speaks her name and when she turns his heart breaks at the sight of the tears sliding down her cheeks.

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

 

This isn’t happening.

I was just getting ready for my wedding rehearsal, and now. Now I can’t seem to bring myself to move from the window or to look away from the pictures that splash across my phone screen. The headlines are crude but the pictures…oh the pictures are clear as day.

My stomach rolls as I scroll through each picture each one getting worse as I go. A raven haired beauty wrapped around Tom in what looks like an elevator. Kissing my Tom. Tom kissing her. Hands snaking under clothes, until finally I reach the end of the gallery. I try to think past the growing ache but it’s impossible.

Why did I have to pick up my phone? Why didn’t I just turn it off hours ago like Benny had told me to? Why? Why? Why? I could ask myself that one question forever but it won’t staunch the pain that blossoms through me.

Tears roll down my face as I stare through the window watching the sun set slowly painting the sky with its beautiful vivid colors behind trees whose leaves have just begun to change and when someone knocks on the door behind me I can’t bring myself to respond.

“Helena,” Tom’s voice fills the air and I can’t help the way my breath hitches as I turn to look at him. His face is tight with concern as he stares at me and I fight every urge to rush to him and soothe away the look of worry that etches his skin.

“We’re supposed to get married tomorrow…” my voice sounds hollow to my ears and I shake my head almost violently as he steps towards me.

“Darling please just let me explain,” he begs and I tense as he closes the distance between us.

“Don’t!” I snap as he reaches out to touch me, “We had this discussion Thomas! We both sat down months ago and asked each other if there was anything, anything at all that the other needed to know and you said no. You lied to me! Who is she?”

“Helena it doesn’t matter who she is…”

“It does, it does matter! Who was she?” I demand and I can see how uncomfortable he is.

“It was Charlotte.”

“Char-Charlotte? Not _the_ Charlotte who you fired? Charlotte who made sure you weren’t there when Aveline was born, not her! Oh God,” I cry squeezing my eyes shut against the truth written on his face, “did you…did you sleep with her? When did this happen? Oh God please, please tell me this wasn’t after we got engaged…”

I know I’m half hysterical as I speak but I can’t stop the flood of words that rush from my mouth nor can I stop myself from nearly sinking to my knees in desperation for the pain to just stop. So quickly are my emotions spiraling out of control that I barely notice when my lungs decide to tighten and the air I so desperately need becomes harder to get and to my horror I’m a gasping mess.

I don’t fight the hands that circle my arms nor do I fight when I’m lowered onto a chair my head pushed forward as a soothing voice speaks through the haze in my head coaxing me to calm down.

  _ **-XX-**_

Time stands still, at least that’s how it feels as I listen to the only sound that can be heard which is my ragged breathing. The tears are endless as I try to wrap my head around the situation I find myself in.

“Helena,” Luke’s voice is calm as he presses a tissue into my hands but I can’t bring myself to lift my eyes from my lap, “I know that this is a lot to take in but I think you should really listen to what Tom and I have to say.”

I want nothing more than to tell him that they can take a flying leap with all of their explanations but I have to know. I have to know how deep this betrayal goes. I have to know what it means for our future if there is even a future anymore.

I don’t speak because I don’t trust my voice so all I can do is nod and hope that whatever comes next won’t completely shatter my world.

 

**Tom’s POV**

**-XX-**

 

He wants nothing more than to reach out and hold Helena; to soothe away the pain and kiss the tears dry but he knows that as things stand now he can’t touch her. Not yet. He feels the weight of what he did down to his bones and with every wracking sob loosened from Helena’s lips he curses himself.

Luke looks at him from his spot beside Helena and giving a slow nod Tom takes a deep breath.

“When I returned to Louisiana from visiting you and Aveline for the New Year the first thing I did was fire Charlotte,” he speaks calmly wishing he could pace the floor but he’s afraid to move.

“So what sleeping with her was part of the severance package?” Helena spits and he winces understanding that he deserves the anger.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” he says and slowly Helena’s face lifts to reveal stormy eyes.

“Do you honestly believe that I am that in love with you that I will believe you when you say you didn’t sleep with her?”

“Are you going to let me explain?” he asks trying to keep a grip on his patience.

“Fine,” she says motioning with her hand for him to continue.

“I won’t lie and tell you that I didn’t think I had slept with her but before I get into that I need to go back and explain how it happened. It was a couple of weeks after I got back from seeing you and Aveline. I was convinced that you saying you needed time to think meant no and I was…miserable. We wrapped up early one night and I decided to go have a drink. I ran into Charlotte at the bar, or rather she ran into me. She started apologizing like crazy and I believed she was truly sorry. One drink turned to two and well you get the picture.”

“Can we just fast forward to the part where you didn’t sleep with her?” Helena asks wiping furiously at a tear that rolls down her face.

“She offered to walk me back to the hotel her reasoning was I was too drunk for my own good. I should have told her no, I don’t know why I didn’t…that’s a lie. The truth is I wanted to feel something other than the ache I had been feeling for months and it was stupid. Selfish. We started going at each other in the elevator but when the doors opened to my floor…”

“I stepped in,” Luke says taking Helena by the hand.

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

 

Luke’s hand is warm over mine and when he gently squeezes I turn to look at him.

“Tom had texted me to let me know he was going for a drink and when he hadn’t returned when he said he would I went to find him. It was luck really that he and Charlotte should come stumbling from the elevator as I was waiting for it. I made sure Charlotte went on her way and tucked Tom into bed.”

“That doesn’t really explain why he thought he had slept with her…” I say as the anger slowly starts to give way to understanding.

“He was very drunk,” Luke says offering a small smile, “but I can assure you Tom didn’t sleep with Charlotte.”

I let the words settle over me waiting for them to sink in and soothe the ebb and flow of pain.

“Luke can you give us a few minutes?”

_**-XX-** _

 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why did I have to find out this way?” I ask breaking up the tense silence between us.

“I was afraid…”

“Afraid of what? You didn’t sleep with her. I’m not exactly thrilled by the idea that you kissed and touched her but I would have understood…I would have accepted that it happened and that was that, but you lied to me Thomas. You lied to me.”

“I was afraid that it would ruin everything. What Charlotte did when she was working for me, it was terrible; and I was terrified that if you knew what I did and what I almost did with her that it would not only devastate you but that it would ruin any chance I had at building the life that I want with you and Aveline. Helena you have to believe me when I tell you that all I want is for us to be a family. I want you to be my wife and I want to raise our daughter together and any other children we will have…”

“Thomas…I want that too more than I ever thought I would but…”

“If I could I would take it back but I can’t Helena. What’s done is done. All I can do is tell you that I am so sorry and swear to you that nothing, nothing like this will ever happen again,” Tom says his voice breaking as he talks and I watch as he cautiously moves closer to me until he’s crouched in front of me his hands covering mine.

“Please Helena…please tell me we can get through this…”

“I don’t…I don’t know…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies,
> 
> Wow first of all I want to say I am so sorry for how long it has taken me to update. To be honest aside from real life responsibilities I have been fighting one of the worst cases of writers block that I have ever dealt with. With that said it felt so incredible to get this out! To anyone still waiting for updates, I hope you are not disappointed. Apologies if it wasn't that great. A huge thank you ahead of time to anyone who is still reading!
> 
> Much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> p.s. come visit me at oh-twhiddleston-my-twhiddleston.tumblr.com (lets be friends)
> 
> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Careful by Michelle Featherstone


	16. Sealed with a Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Lena go through with the wedding or has everything been damaged beyond all repair?

_“You will forever be my always.”_

****

**_-XX-_ **

****

My hand shakes as I attempt to apply my lipstick and with a sound of frustration I wipe at the tear that rolls defiantly down my cheek and give up on being able to get myself together. Gripping the counter hanging my head as I try desperately to be strong. There are people downstairs counting on me. I have to suck it up; push away the pain and insecurity.

I don’t know how.

I don’t think I can.

I want to scream. To run. I glance into the suite and when I notice the suitcase that lies open at the foot of the bed half packed for the honeymoon Tom and I are supposed to leave for tomorrow night my heart gives a quick kick in my chest. Before I can stop myself I’m walking towards it hands working instinctively as I gather clothes and stuff them into the case without folding them.

“Going somewhere?” Benny’s voice sounds from behind me and I turn quickly to find him leaning against the door his face the picture of bewilderment.

“I-I can’t do this Benny,” I stammer as he approaches me, “everything is a mess….”

“What are you talking about? Lena your rehearsal starts in fifteen minutes…”

“I’m not-we aren’t-I can’t get married, not now,” I say and before I can pick up the suitcase Benny takes my hand and leads me to a chair. We sit together in silence for a few minutes and I know he’s just giving me time to gather my thoughts.

“What happened Lena?”

 

Benny looks at me quietly as I finish filling him in on everything that has happened in the last couple of hours.

“Lena I understand that it caught you off guard but he didn’t sleep with her…”

“That isn’t the point Benny…the point is that he lied maybe not directly but by omission; but it isn’t just that…”

“Then what is it?” he asks his hands covering mine to still them.

“What was I thinking when I told him I would marry him? I’m not at all prepared for what it will mean to be married to him…I’m not what he needs…I’m not, enough,” I whisper my eyes dropping to stare at the back of his hands.

“Helena look at me,” he demands and when I don’t look up he takes my face between his palms, “you need to get that line of thought right out of your head. You are more than enough for that man and he is insanely in love with you. I know that this must have left you shaken but you have to ask yourself something, will you really be happy if you walk away now?”

I can only shake my head as my throat thickens from tears. I would be miserable if I walked away now, but that doesn’t calm the fear.

I guess it just makes the fear worth it.

 

 

**Tom’s POV**

He paces, long legs eating up lush grass as he watches the growing group of people milling about lost in their own discussions. He understands with a painful clarity that there is a very real possibility that Helena will not be coming out for rehearsal. When he was asked to give her some time to think he saw it in her eyes.

She’s going to run, and though he can’t blame her, he knows full well that he will just have to run faster.

“Tom,” Luke’s voice buzzes into his head and he blinks misty eyes clear to look at his friend who motions with his head toward the entrance of the courtyard where Benny and Helena walk hand in hand.

His heart lifts as she grows closer and the weight slides completely off of his shoulders when her eyes meet his and she smiles.

 

**_Lena’s POV_ **

****

I wake slow eyes trailing across the room to the window where the early morning light shines softly through the curtains and I can’t stop the smile that curves my lips.

Today is the day.

 I sit up slowly and find a note beside the bed and lifting it I begin to read.

_‘Dearest Helena,_

_It killed me not to sleep beside you last night but I keep reminding myself that in a matter of hours you and I will be together again._

_All my love,_

_-Tom.’_

I read and re-read Tom’s words committing them to memory and reveling in the peace they offer me I drift back to sleep.

 

“Knock, knock,” Benny’s voice drifts through the room and opening my eyes I see my best friend crossing the room with a cup of coffee in his hands, and sitting up slowly I take it from him stealing a sip and once my eyes have cleared some and he settles down in front of me I notice the tears in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I ask and he just shakes his head quickly wiping away his tears.

“I am exercising my right as your best friend and man of honor to be emotional,” he says and I smile taking his hand in mine, “I want to give you this now before everything gets started. If we cry, and you know we will, it’s best we get it out of the way now.”

He hands me a slim white box and when I open it I can’t stop my breath from hitching as I lift the familiar charm bracelet.

“Benny…”

“Dad and I knew Mom would want you to have this and I had another charm added, see,” he turns the bracelet to reveal a smooth black heart, “it was made from one of your Mom’s old records…I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Benny…” I cry as I rub my fingers over the smooth surface before throwing my arms around my man of honor.

 

**_-XX-_ **

My heart beats furiously in my chest as I stand with Joseph and he must know that my nerves are warring because he takes my hand in his giving a gentle squeeze.

“You okay Little Bird?” his voice is low and nodding I take a deep breath.

“Scared,” I whisper as the music starts, “don’t let me fall.”

“Never,” he reassures me.

My pulse hammers as we start down the aisle but the minute my eyes find Thomas everything falls away and my nerves calm. There is no one but him and suddenly it feels like I won’t get to him fast enough. He looks so handsome in his gray suit and I wonder if he knows just what good he does for my heart.

I barely hear what the minister is saying but the moment my hand is placed in Thomas’s everything snaps into focus.

“There you are,” Tom murmurs to me as a tear slips down his cheek.

“Here we are.”

 

**Tom’s POV**

He feels incredibly calm yet wound up all at once as he watches Clara pushing Aveline down the aisle in a beautifully decorated carriage and he can’t help but smile as his young daughter lifts a petal to her lips and as he chuckles Benny starts walking down the aisle his eyes shining and Tom returns the smile he’s offered. Then the music changes, weeping violins signaling Helena’s entrance and he fears he’s not going to be able to contain his excitement.

“Any minute now mate,” Luke murmurs from beside him but Tom finds himself overcome with emotion as Helena begins her walk down the aisle.

She is stunning and he sees nothing and here’s no one else. For this moment his whole universe is Helena.

“There you are,” he murmurs taking her hands in his.

“Here we are,” Helena murmurs back gently lifting a hand to brush the tear from his cheek.

**_Lena’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

“At this time both Thomas and Helena would like to share with each other vows that they have written,” the minister speaks and with a grin Tom takes the paper that Luke passes to him.

“My darling Lena, our love story started the day we met; at least it did for me. I still remember the way you looked at me when I stumbled into your shop soaking wet, it was a look caught somewhere between annoyance and compassion and I knew then that you were going to change my life. The road has been a bumpy one but it’s been a road I would travel a million times again if it meant getting to make these promises to you. I will love you forever and cherish you always. I will be your partner in this life and every life to come, and to borrow from your favorite book, I know that our love is a quiet love, but what it lacks in volume it more than makes up for in depth. You are my forever; and I am not only humbled but immeasurably blessed to know that you have chosen me for your forever. I love you.”

I clear my throat as Benny hands me my vows and I pray that I can get through them without sobbing like a baby.

“Thomas, our love isn’t exactly what most would call conventional but I want to thank you. I want to thank you for never giving up on me; for your steadfast patience, and for your unwavering faith in not only me, but in us. I can’t promise that life will be easy, but I can promise you that our life together will always be interesting. I promise to stay true in my love for you and that no matter what may come for us that I will always stand with you. I told you once that I used to be the girl who wished on stars,” my voice breaks despite how hard I try to avoid it and I lift my hand to touch the star pendent I wear, “and I am so happy to tell you that because of you my wishes have finally come true.”

With the exchange of rings done I know we’re that much closer to being official and I can’t help but grin.

“It is my distinct honor to now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss your bride.”

Tom takes my face in his hands and with a smile lighting his eyes he presses his lips to mine and my eyes flutter closed as we seal our love and promises with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies!
> 
> First of all I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who left me a comment or dropped me a kudo! Seriously it means the world to me especially since I had a four month dry spell on writing! I hope that each one of you know how much you mean to me and if I could I give each of you a big squishy hug!
> 
> Anyways I hope that this chapter doesn't disappoint.
> 
> As always, much love,
> 
> EM
> 
> p.s. oh-twhiddleston-my-twhiddleston (come visit me, lets be friends!)
> 
>  
> 
> Music Muse(s)
> 
> Not A Bad Thing-Justin Timberlake 
> 
> (Honorable Mention)
> 
> You're The Reason I Come Home-Ron Pope.


	17. Who Are You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is very, very wrong with Helena...

_“It’s a hell of a thing…not knowing who you are.”-Anonymous._

_“Darling,” Tom’s voice whispers me awake and blinking owlishly I lift my head from his shoulder. “We’ll be landing soon.”_

_“Landing? Already?” I ask lifting the shade on the small plane window but I find myself staring into dark clouds as we cruise through the air._

_“You slept the whole way Mrs. Hiddleston. You missed the delightful in flight meal, as well as the movie,” Tom teases as he brushes the hair from my shoulder._

_“I must have been more tired than I realized,” I murmur rubbing fingers at my temple._

_“Are you alright?” he asks and with a smile I nod slowly._

_“Just a bit of a headache is all. Nothing some caffeine won’t fix.”_

_“Are you sure? You look a bit pale love.”_

_“Do I?” I ask and because I have to see for myself I pull my compact from my carry on and have a look for myself. He’s right of course. I do look pale and for a moment I worry that I’m getting sick. Which is just not on my list of things to do on my honeymoon. “I look terrible.”_

_“You’re beautiful,” Tom reassures me by gently pressing a kiss to my forehead, but I can’t miss the look of concern on his face when he settles back in his seat. “You’re warm.” I open my mouth but no words come out as everything around me grows dark._

 

**_-XX-_ **

 

 

“You don’t belong here…”a small voice calls out and turning my head I fight to open my eyes.

“Where am I?”

“Where you don’t belong. You shouldn’t be here…”

“I don’t, I don’t understand.” The darkness fades away gradually and opening my eyes I find myself in a pristine hospital room. I turn my head and find a small woman standing by the window a cascade of blonde hair framing her sober face. “Who are you?”

“Who are you?”

“Helena, Helena Hiddleston. Where is my husband?” I ask struggling to sit up.

“You aren’t married.”

“What? I am, I was on a plane with my husband, we were in Ireland, for our honeymoon,” I lift my left hand to wave in her face as if to prove my point but find my ring finger naked. “I don’t…I don’t understand.”

“Like I said, you aren’t married, and you don’t belong here. You’ve wandered far from home,” the woman’s voice is almost melodic as she stares at me through shrewd brown eyes. I try to wrap my head around what she’s saying as I watch her. She moves slowly as she approaches and with delicate hands she pulls the blanket that covers me away.

“Come with me.”

 

 

The hall we walk together is silent but I find some comfort in the hand that rests in mine a familiarity to its weight that I can’t put my finger on.

“What is the last thing you remember?” the woman asks finally breaking up the silence.

“We were on a plane. Tom and I. He woke me because we were getting ready to land. He said I looked pale…”

“No, before that. That isn’t real,” the woman insists and I stop mid-step my hand dropping from her.

“What do you mean that it wasn’t real? It was real. I married Tom, just two days ago.”

“You still don’t get it,” the woman’s words are clipped as she turns to look at me. “How can I help if you refuse to see?”

“To see what?”

“I’m obviously going about this all wrong. Ahh, I know, come this way,” we follow the corridor until she stops in front of a wide window.

“The nursery?” I ask pressing my hand to the window. I stare at all the bundles, smiling softly at them. So beautiful, so innocent. “I have a daughter.”

“You don’t…not yet anyways.”

“Her name is Aveline. She was born December second. She has her father’s hair and my nose. I remember the pain of labor…the C-section that finally brought her into this world…do not tell me that I don’t have a daughter!”

“When are you going to open your eyes? None of that is real! None of it!” the woman’s voice is fierce as she whirls to glare at me. “And the longer you take to realize that the longer I’m stuck here trying to help you!”

“Why do you keep saying that?” I demand but rather than answer me she pulls me behind her into a waiting elevator. She presses a button for the eighth floor and I can’t help but feel the anger boiling up inside of me. “Are you ever going to answer me or explain just what the hell you are talking about?”

“I could try to, but you wouldn’t believe me if I did. It will be better if you see it for yourself,” the woman’s reply is curt as the elevator doors open and when I make no motion to move after her she drags me out. We walk past a few rooms before stopping and she pushes open a door, my heart plummeting into my stomach as I stare at the picture in front of me.

Momma Bee sits in a chair by the window an I.V line feeding into her arm. She looks exactly how I remember her. A little thinner maybe but just as beautiful with a scarf of different colors covering her head while Joseph sits beside her reading from the newspaper.

“Momma Bee?” the words slip from my lips but neither of them lift their faces towards me. “This isn’t real…this can’t be real, Momma Bee died…she’s gone…”

“She is very much alive. She went through with the surgery you had told her about, only after getting the doctors to agree that once she was well enough to travel back from Boston that she could finish her treatments back here…to be close to you…”

 

 

My head spins viciously and I stagger back a full step as I try to clear the buzzing that fills my ears.

“You’re running out of time, don’t you see it yet?” the stranger’s voice is desperate as she speaks, her hands coming out to hold onto me.

“Who are you?” I ask staring into her eyes and somewhere a memory whispers at me telling me that I know this face. Know this voice. But I can’t remember. I can’t remember.

“Who are you?” she echoes my question.

“I told you, I’m Helena…”

“Helena what?”

“I don’t…I don’t know… Oh God, what’s happening to me?”

“What is the last thing you remember?” she asks as she pulls me out into the hall, and closing my eyes I try to think.

“Driving…I was driving…it was raining, and I was angry…why was I so angry?” I press my hands to my head as if I could simply reach in and pluck the knowledge from within but I can’t. There’s nothing. Just a swell of emotions as I try to understand. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

 

 

“Open your eyes…” My eyes open and I’m standing on a different floor outside a different room and peering through the square of glass I stare at myself.

“I was driving,” I murmur pushing open the door. The sound of machines fills the sterile air as I step to the side of the bed. I look down at myself. My hair is smooth and shining under the dull lights that hang overhead, and I can’t help but notice my perfectly manicured nails. “I was angry, and the phone kept ringing. I looked away…for just a second.”

“Who are you?”

“I don’t know…”

“You have to wake up. You have to go back. Your story isn’t supposed to end like this. You have to go back, my darling girl…” I turn to look at the woman and find she’s changed, aged somehow and something clicks inside of me but I can’t form my jumbled thoughts into words.

“Go. Now. You’ve been gone long enough. GO!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies,
> 
> I know it has been a really (really) long time since I updated, and I wish I had a good reason for it, but honestly it was mostly writers block, and feelings of insecurity that has kept me away for so long (just not feeling good enough, you know?) Anyways, for those who have stuck with me this long, thank you so much, I hope that this update doesn't disappoint, and I'm sorry if it does.
> 
> No music muse for this one.
> 
> Love,
> 
> EM
> 
> p.s. come get to know me at love-the-tragically-beautiful.tumblr.com (lets be friends.)


	18. Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena comes back and finds herself in a world she doesn't understand.

_“Sometimes, remembering hurts too much.” -Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me._

****

**_-XX-_ **

Eighty-five days.

Eighty-five days he’s waited, watching over her when he can to see if, to see when, she opens her eyes again. Forty-two days in she developed pneumonia that threatened not only her life but the life of their baby and saw her put back on the ventilator, which is where she’s stayed, because though the pneumonia was cleared her lungs decided they didn’t want to work.

Eighty-five days he’s spent torn between losing himself in work and fearing that any moment his phone is going to ring and the voice on the other side will tell him that she’s gone. He’s exhausted to the bone and wonders how much more he can humanly give and at what point does the human spirit simply give up.

“Where’s your head Thomas,” Momma Bee’s voice draws his attention from watching the rain fall and turning he manages a smile that he is almost certain doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I don’t know if she’s going to come back,” the words slip through his lips before he can stop them and when he sees the light in her eyes dim just momentarily he regrets them. “I’m sorry.”

“Thomas,” she holds her hand out to him and taking it he feels the tears burning behind his eyes. “It seems dark, I know, but please, don’t give up on our girl, not yet.”

****

**_-XX-_ **

 

He stirs a thin red straw in what barely passes for a cup of tea trying to remember the last time he’s had a decent night of sleep.

“Tom,” Benny’s voice calls out to him with a sense of urgency that has the cup slipping from his hand and before he can ask what’s wrong the page comes over the intercom.

“Dr. Wilson to room 4402, Dr. Wilson to room 4402.”

Lena…

He runs, feet hitting the floor hard, taking the stairs by two he swears his heart is going to beat right out of his chest as he rounds the corner and he finds Helena’s room full of people, doctors and nurses circled around her, and with legs shaking furiously he fears they are going to give out from underneath him.

“What’s happening? What’s going on?” he demands trying to push into the room, but Mary, one of Helena’s regular nurses takes him by the arm and keeps him in a corner out of the way. She’s a tiny middle aged woman but he learned early on she was the no nonsense type who not only could, but would gladly put someone in their place.

“Thomas you need to stay calm okay,” Mary says her voice firm but calming. “Helena is breathing over the vent and showing signs of coming out.”

“She’s…she’s waking up?” he asks disbelief rolling through him as he watches Dr. Wilson work on Helena. “She’s waking up.”

 

 

_Lena’s POV_

**_-XX-_ **

 

 

Everything hurts.

Oh my God how can everything hurt so damn much.

Can’t they hear me screaming?

My eyes wheel around as I try to lift my arms to push at the hands that touch me but I find my limbs weak and useless and a voice swims through my head calling out a name I don’t recognize as I try to clear my blurred vision. A man hovers over me, a soft smile on his face as he stares down at me.

“Do you know where you are?”

The man’s word roll around me and I try to remember, the memory is right at my fingertips, but before I can truly understand it’s gone again, floating away.

“Do you know your name?” a spurt of fear courses through me as I realize that I don’t. I don’t know my name, and in frustration I open my mouth to speak and find that nothing comes out.

“Don’t try to talk. You were on a ventilator for an extended amount of time, your throat will need time to heal. Just nod your head for yes, shake for no. Do you know your name?”

I shake my head.

“Do you remember what happened?”

Again I shake my head.

“Helena, your name is Helena!” a new voice calls out, a somehow familiar voice, and looking up I see an impossibly handsome man with tousled hair staring at me from the foot of the bed, eyes shining brightly under the lights. He looks, tired, and scared, and I feel like I should know him but I don’t. I don’t know him.

I don’t even know me.

 

 

**_Tom’s POV_ **

**_-XX-_ **

****

He watches her sleeping. He’s grown accustomed to this routine, pulling the chair close to her bed, lowering the rail so he can lay his hands over the noticeable bump growing under her gown, and he talks to her; telling her every moment of the day, no matter how trivial it seems, he tells her, everything.

“I knew you would come back,” he says his hands shaking as they lay over their growing child. “That’s a lie. I started to doubt, I did, but I couldn’t help it, I am after all only human, but you, you came back. You woke up, and now, now their telling me there’s a chance you won’t…” his voice catches at the thought and taking a deep breath he brushes at the tears that fall down his face.

“The doctors tell me that you can remember everything when you wake up again, they say it can be a matter of days. Weeks. Months. Never,” he murmurs shaking his head, “that can’t be right though. I love you more than I’ve ever loved another woman, and I can’t imagine a life where we aren’t together. So please, Helena, please, just…remember. Remember me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music Muse(s)
> 
> None for this chapter as I just put my Spotify on loop and hoped for the best.
> 
> Hi Lovelies and Welcome Back.
> 
> It has been an incredibly long time since I managed an update, and for that I apologize. My writers block has been brutal as well as a laundry list of real world things that just, it's ugly, so with that said, I want to say thank you to all who have stuck with me, sent messages, or showed me support. Honestly. Each and every one of you mean a lot to me.
> 
> So here is the newest chapter and I hope it doesn't disappoint.
> 
> Much Love and Big Squishy Hugs,
> 
> EM.


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